Making a new beginning after a narcissistic relationship

Breaking up with a narcissist might be the hardest thing we ever do. It's not until we try to leave we realise the hidden control our partner has wielded.

Always striving to please burns us out. Scared to stand up for ourselves, the victim-like behaviour that we once found repulsive in others has subconsciously crept up on us. When we eventually find our voice, the response we get can be frightening, yet it's worth it to have our freedom once again.

The clean break

Ideally, a relationship should end with mutual agreement, but we can't reason with narcissists. Not if what we're planning will disadvantage them. Even when we have got away, the ending is messy, with much projecting of blame. Manipulative games can be in the offing, such as third-party 'messengers' relaying to us tales of our grief-stricken ex whose life we have so selfishly destroyed.

Blocking contact

Narcissists manipulate money to keep us close, dropping us hints that they want to repay us that loan or give back that first edition they borrowed from us. Avoiding shelling out themselves, unless it's in their self-interest, they are clever about getting us to part with our hard-earned cash or possessions. When we go, they may be in our debt or retain things of ours we love. 

It stings, but any 'beneficial offer' to return valuables or money is a poisoned apple. We have to bite the bullet and let some things go. A clean break from an abusive relationship based on blocking all contact is the only way to a fresh start.

If the amounts of money are truly serious, however, or if children are being co-parented, it's essential to seek professional advice.

A fresh start

The wonderful thing about emerging from a narcissistic relationship is the vast amount of opportunity that awaits us.

In an abusive relationship, we forget the obvious: we have so much to offer and so much ahead to enjoy. Harsh though it sounds, we have to stop kicking ourselves for being sucked in by a narcissist. Narcissists don't show us who they really are when we first meet them. They may study us closely and model themselves on the partner that they can see we are looking for, even if it means lying. If we were looking for a person of integrity with diverse outside interests, for a temporary period they become that person. It's only as the relationship develops that their true self emerges.

Time to recover

Abusive relationships leave their scars. When we have been hurt, we need to heal. This is the time we most need to work on our self-care. Reaching out for support from close friends and family who love us can do wonders to restore self-esteem, reminding us of our inner strengths and all the reasons we should appreciate everything about ourselves.

Meeting someone new

Finding the real love that lasts is what makes most of us happy, but we can be put off meeting someone new for fear we'll end up with another narcissist. Narcissism is complex and the traits exist on a spectrum. It's also nuanced. The idea that a narcissist is automatically an egotistical boaster, bragging about their accomplishments is an over-generalisation.

Narcissists may be low-key or lacking in confidence. Deep down, they're weak. The underlying common denominator is that a narcissist cannot truly love outside of themselves. They may be affectionate and caring in some respects, but they will always come first in any relationship; they are their number one: immeasurably self-obsessed. 

Love is blind

The sage advice still applies: take time to get to know someone. When we first meet someone we like, we each want to please the other and show the best side of ourselves. Hopefully, if the other person is not a narcissist, this phase matures into a strong, authentic bond.

A non-narcissist shows interest in and empathy for others. They'll make a real effort for someone else when it has no benefit to themselves. Showing concern for you doesn't count as they need you to reflect themselves. One simple tip to filter out narcissists is to open our eyes to their behaviour. Are they genuinely interested in people's welfare and will they put themselves out for others, when it brings no personal advantage? If the answer is yes, it could be a winner.

Narcissists seek out vulnerability

It may be your unselfish nature that makes you attractive to a narcissist. Narcissists turn our positive traits into negatives because they ignore our boundaries, and the kind person becomes their doormat. If we know we're rather soft, we need to be wary as it can be used against us.

When getting to know someone, don't put all your cards on the table, however much you are tempted to be your totally honest self. If you have suffered from a damaging experience or an experience where you were taken advantage of, they may interpret that as a character weakness. Wait until you can trust someone properly.

How hypnotherapy can help you find the right person

If you are still struggling to rebuild your self-esteem, why not consider consulting a hypnotherapist?

With a hypnotherapist, you can explore the unconscious roots of your susceptibility to narcissists. Sometimes, damaging childhood experiences contribute to low self-esteem, especially if we had a narcissistic parent who made us work very hard for any affection or praise. Not feeling good enough for real love, we unconsciously lower the bar and allow people who are out for themselves into our lives.

Or we may have had a loving home but were conditioned to believe it is our duty to be self-sacrificing and feel guilty if we ever put ourselves first. It may just be chance that you met that wrong person. Whatever the reason for it, demeaning habits build up in an abusive relationship.

Hypnotherapy is a great way to use your unconscious resources: memory, imagination and emotions to put the past behind you and redefine yourself. You can make wonderful new habits that protect your self-interest, restore self-respect and develop your confidence.

Re-balance your mind with hypnotherapy to find the right person that is waiting for you.