How can RTT help you feel loved and accepted in relationships?

When my heart broke, it wasn't just the loss of the relationship that hurt me; it was the shame that slowly crept in with the belief that by choosing the partner that I had chosen, I had made a 'mistake'. Well-meaning friends and family unknowingly reinforced this shame by constantly reiterating the many reasons why they didn't like my ex-partner and listing all the reasons why I was better without him. Suddenly, I found myself in a whirlpool of self-blame, surrounded by echoing voices from both within and without, all pointing fingers at my supposed folly. 

Social media, with its omnipresence and constant chatter, echoed these sentiments. Posts, articles, and discussions reinforced this binary, fostering the belief that I, wounded and seeking solace, was invariably drawn to the wrong, unhealed individuals. The implication hung heavy in the air - there was something inherently defective within me that desperately needed fixing.

Unhelpful narratives that can help you go down a terrible rabbit hole...

In my quest to learn and protect myself from being hurt, I delved into what's often termed a surface-level exploration of psychological concepts like gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, and warning signs. These discussions are often driven by individuals with limited professional expertise. They're presented as tools to recognise and handle challenging relationship situations. However, amidst these conversations, a risky trend surfaces - it leans heavily on blaming others, diverting attention from self-reflection and connecting with ourselves.

Attachment theory - an incredible alternative framework to understand yourself...

When I read about attachment theory, I finally felt I had found a profound framework for understanding these intricate relationship patterns - both what's happening within us and what's happening with others in our relationships. Our attachment style, shaped initially by our relationships with parents, evolves and adapts throughout our lives, moulded by diverse relationship experiences.

Understanding my attachment style and the attachment style of my ex-partners went a long way toward helping me understand what was going on in my relationships, and the role I was playing in those dynamics. In this way, this understanding also showed me how I could empower myself to change the way I could operate in those dynamics. 

The four attachment styles and what they say about us

Secure attachment

Securely attached individuals can healthily communicate their needs and respond to their partner's emotions from a place of calm and centeredness. A secure attachment style allows us to navigate the world and our relationships comfortably because we possess a secure base with our partners. It doesn't imply perfection but rather a firm grounding in relationships. Secure relationships foster interdependence, where both partners contribute positively to each other's lives.

Anxious attachment

Individuals with this style fear rejection and abandonment in relationships, often becoming fixated on their partner's attention. This fear can lead to unhealthy "protest" behaviours such as tantrums, anger, withdrawal of affection, or passive-aggressiveness. These behaviours hinder the satisfaction of their relationship needs and can push their partner further away. Anxious individuals tend to enter codependent relationships, where their self-worth and purpose become entirely tied to the relationship's status.

Avoidant attachment

This style emerges when past disappointments in love lead individuals to crave intimacy but simultaneously become hyper-independent due to the fear of future disappointments. Avoidantly attached individuals may initially idealise their partners but eventually become disillusioned and distance themselves emotionally. Deep down, they fear the vulnerability that intimacy entails.

Interestingly, anxious and avoidant individuals often find themselves in relationships together. Both carry deep abandonment wounds, but their responses to these wounds diverge. Such relationships often persist only as long as the anxious person accepts the avoidant's emotional distance.

Anxious-avoidant (disorganised) attachment

In this style, individuals remain preoccupied with their relationship's status while continuing to anticipate hurt, leading to self-sabotage and emotional distancing. They grapple with the desire for closeness and the fear of being hurt in relationships.

Your attachment style isn't a life sentence and can change!

Discovering your attachment style holds incredible power because it reveals that with personal growth, your attachment style isn't fixed - it's fluid and can evolve. What's truly empowering is that as we gravitate toward secure attachment, we unlock the ability to build healthy relationships, even with those who have different attachment styles. These skills are not inherent traits; they are capabilities we can develop and nurture.

How RTT can help you accelerate the moment towards healthy, secure love...

Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) uses hypnosis to help us re-experience and understand events in our childhood that helped shape our attachment styles, with the help of an experienced practitioner. 

Looking back at our past from an adult perspective can help us see that the way our parents acted when we were little has very little to do with us and our value to them and more to do with circumstances at the time and their emotional limitations. It's not about blaming them or ourselves, but understanding why we feel the way we do. Understanding this context in a hypnotic state, enables us to release the negative beliefs and baggage that we have been carrying for years.

I have found that with myself and my clients, this process helps us be kinder to ourselves and make better choices in relationships. It's like finding a new way to look at things that helps us feel more secure and happier in the relationships we have.