I’m childless, now what?
You might be under the impression that childless people are carefree. Living their lives to the max. You might be right, but it is likely they have been through lots of mini traumas which have had a big effect on their lives. Imagine wanting a child so much and every month the pregnancy test is negative. You start to let those negative thoughts creep in.

"It's me". "I'm broken". "My partner is better off without me" “Why me?”
It’s not only the person with a womb who is trying to get pregnant that is affected; it’s their partner too. It might be that the partner is quiet and doesn’t want to talk about it. They might be feeling that if they do talk about it, no one will listen or things might fall apart. They are supposed to be the strong ones as it’s physically not happening to them. They might feel helpless.
Infertility and childlessness aren’t discriminatory, it affects everyone
Imagine the stress, effort, and financial strain, mentally and physically. Going through IVF whilst holding down a job and then people tell you "You just need to relax". "If I can do it, so can you". "Well, if it doesn't work you can just adopt". “So and so were childless and then got their miracle” “If you give up maybe you didn’t want a child enough”
Ouch! These comments might feel helpful for the person delivering them, but to the person receiving those comments, it might feel like sticking lots of little knives into an open wound, one at a time, very slowly.
Humans are designed to solve problems. Some people cannot cope with seeing someone upset. I was one of those people. Yet, some problems cannot be solved without the help of a professional. However, you can help just by sitting with that person and letting them feel their pain until it passes.
The hormones pumped into a person with a womb during IVF are so debilitating. All you can focus on is a positive test as you're not sure you can go through another round. You feel that if this round doesn't work then you're not doing it right. It's you and not medical science. I admire the people going through IVF and holding down a job. It must be exhausting. I didn’t have any mental strength left to go through IVF, especially knowing how low the percentage of success was.
You now finally give up, run out of money and consider adoption. But by then you are so exhausted and cannot go through with the intensive assessment process. You feel that people see you as weak or don't want it enough. You feel broken, abused, a husk of a person. The strain on some relationships is a lot. You are now emotionally and financially drained. You don't feel worthy of having a child or whether you wanted one in the first place.
You feel upside down and everything has been shaken out of you. There is no worth left or purpose. You always saw yourself as a parent so what's the point in your life now? It just looks black.
Does this resonate with you? You are not alone.
Let me repeat that. You are not alone.
So now what?
I believe Keanu Reeves once said, “Grief changes shape, but it never ends.” We can't control what happened but we can control how we move forward. How we shape the rest of our lives. We have a choice to stay in grief or learn and grow into someone who can live side by side with grief and be happy.
I would recommend taking time to breathe. Grief does not have an expiration date. Take the time to acknowledge the trauma you have experienced. Feel the feelings and let them pass through you. Think about the things you would like to do. This might be very hard to think about so maybe go back to when you were a child and think about all those aspirations and dreams you once had. Really think about what was important to you then, you might be surprised to notice that it is still important to you now, but you just buried it deep within whilst you focused on other things.
You might need therapy to help unlock those dreams again and there is no shame in asking for that help. In fact, it’s a strength to ask for help. We all need a little guidance and help throughout our lives. There is help and support out there. Talking about it is the first step. You might feel a burden to people and feel it's a lot. Start small and see what happens.
There are a few support groups/resources I have to shout about that do brilliant work. World Childless Week in the UK which happens online each September and is free to watch. Gateway Women is another great resource. They have events throughout the year and have great resources on their website.
What happens to our minds when we experience a traumatic event?
Our unconscious mind loves to be negative. It could be negative all day long if we let it as it feels this is the best way to keep you safe. All the mini traumas you have been through are evidence for your unconscious mind that it was right to be negative and keep you from hoping too much. That way you won't hurt as much when things don't work out.
Depending on the event, our minds could separate our emotions from our mind and body. This is a self-defence mechanism where we lose the ability to feel our feelings. We could talk about them all day long but we don’t feel them in our body anymore. This is a natural and common experience. Therapy can help you bring your mind, body and emotions back together so you feel more yourself.
Another self-defence mechanism that you might have heard of is the ‘fight or flight’ mode. If you have many traumatic experiences then you could end up in a situation where your mind forgets to turn it off. In the past, you might have ended up in fight or flight mode if you encountered a tiger. Your unconscious mind sends the signal to run before you are even aware of it.
Once you have gotten away from the tiger you are full of adrenaline and on high alert. After a while when your unconscious perceives the danger has passed. Your nervous system calms down and your mind turns off fight mode. In today’s world, some people, who encounter lots of traumatic events might have this mode permanently switched on. Just for safekeeping. Over time this can result in many issues, such as chronic pain, injuries that never heal, chronic stress etc. This is a sign that your nervous system hasn’t gone back to a calm state.
This can in turn affect our values and beliefs about ourselves. This is where hypnotherapy can help.
How can hypnotherapy help?
Hypnotherapy can help by reframing your thoughts into a more positive light. It can help you make peace with what has happened to you in a way your mind accepts so you don't continue to beat yourself up about it. When you go through lots of mini traumas you can become disconnected from yourself. You might feel your soul is not fully attached to your body. Hypnotherapy can help put those parts of you back together in a more harmonious way.
Hypnotherapy can help you work out who you are now and who you want to be in the future. A happier, full-of-purpose person. A person that can take on whatever life throws at them. A person who can handle disappointments better, as life isn't always going to be full of good times. Learning how to regulate your emotions means that you can handle those bumps in the road; such as those baby showers, and the new grandparent celebrations with more control. So it doesn't feel like the end of the road.
You can be that happy person, that worthy person, that purposeful person. One that deserves to do the things you love to do without feeling guilty. You have been through so much you deserve to be happy. Joy and sorrow can coexist together.
You can find a new purpose in life when you think there is nothing left. It happened to me and I found a new purpose in life. It might not last for the rest of my life. However, it has shown me that there can be a life after childlessness and that change can be a good thing in the end. You can have many purposes in life, so why not?
Childlessness is a living grief, a disenfranchised grief for which I cannot guarantee a cure. Yet, I can help with a management strategy for all those bumps in the road we will experience along the way to make them less painful.
