Why am I always angry?

Anger is a normal human response. I say this because, while the effect of our anger on other people may be unwelcome and cause us and them all kinds of problems, we should not believe that anger in itself is bad, or that we should feel that we are bad for feeling anger.

There is nothing wrong with feeling angry sometimes. The only times when anger becomes an issue is if our anger is out of control, perhaps we find that our anger has boiled over into and caused physical or emotional harm to another person, or that we find that we get angry too quickly, too often or for relatively minor things.

We use anger as a response to situations when we feel we have been treated extremely unfairly, feel under great threat or feel that we are being attacked in some way. We are all familiar with that feeling rising inside us; we say we have “reached boiling point” or that “the red mist has descended”. Others may describe us as being “hot-headed”, reminding us that when we are angry our heart is beating faster, our face is often flushed and, if we are in a rage state, we are seemingly oblivious to reason. In the fight-or-flight mode, our body has selected “fight” and our body is preparing us for extreme conflict.

Unless you are reading this article out of simple curiosity, I would imagine your reason may be that either you are troubled by your anger, or that you are impacted by the anger of another person, a partner, parent, child or boss at work for example. Living with someone quick to fly off the handle can put us into a perpetual state of tension and fear, always worrying when their anger might be triggered next. This feeling of treading on eggshells can cause otherwise warm and loving relationships to break down.

And if we are the person having the angry eruptions, afterwards, when we cool down, we might have feelings of deep remorse, leading to sadness and depression. We feel confused, and ask ourselves “am I, Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde”? It’s difficult, sometimes, to accept that one person can be the sum of two seemingly polar opposites. For this reason, many of us try to suppress or deny our anger. Our anger feels ugly and unwelcome, a part of our character that we cannot fully accept is really us. It brings us shame.

How can hypnotherapy help me with my anger? 

In a hypnotherapy session, I help people to discover and understand the deep-seated roots of their anger. By fully understanding what specific situations trigger them, they are then aware of these triggers and are able to say to themselves “OK - I am being triggered here”. This gives them the space to respond more rationally and less emotionally. I guess it is a bit like taking a boiling pan off the hotplate while we consider which ingredients to add next.

I work with clients using a mixture of hypnosis and taking therapy to help them develop strategies for reframing their anger. We are all likely to be provoked to anger at some point in our lives, so it's about how we manage that anger and use anger in a more healthy way to help us solve the problems that have provoked our anger. This is the way to avoid the hair-trigger response of being almost constantly angry over minor things. And also to work out an appropriate level of anger, so we don’t use a sledgehammer to crack a nut, fly into a rage and frighten the people we are interacting with.

Is anger a useful response?

Understanding what situations provoke anger is very useful for the therapist in that they usually lead to the root cause of the problem and point to other issues that are troubling the client. Stress at work, relationship issues, and being treated badly in childhood; are all examples of the kinds of unresolved issues that can be worked through with a sympathetic and understanding therapist.

Why is hypnosis so effective at helping with anger?

Hypnosis is simply a very relaxed state where clients can more easily access the unconscious thoughts that are driving their anger. People who come to see me often say things like “Why did I lose control?” “Why do I get angry over such a small thing?”. This suggests that the cause of their anger lives in the unconscious mind, and hypnosis is a very powerful, fast and effective way of accessing the unconscious mind.

Uncontrolled anger can have devastating effects on relationships, friendships and our work-life. Therapy provides an understanding, non-judgemental and supportive environment where anger can be understood and practical solutions can be found. The aim is not to suppress our anger, as this bottling-up of emotion is more likely to lead to an eruption. Instead, therapy helps us to find a way to express our anger in a calmer, more positive way.