3 reasons why dating in 2025 feels so hard

Finding love in 2025 can feel like navigating a minefield. Trust me, I get it. Having women from all corners of the globe walk into my hypnotherapy practice with similar stories of frustration, I know this feeling intimately.

"I'm starting to think the one for me simply doesn't exist anymore," a brilliant woman in her early 40s recently shared, echoing the sentiments of so many others, whether they're in bustling Mumbai, vibrant New York, or historic London.

The narrative is often the same: initial excitement that quickly fades, leaving behind a trail of confusion and exhaustion. "We had this incredible first date, and then… silence. What went wrong?" The universal ache of disconnection in the dating world is palpable.

It's easy to point fingers – blame the city's fast pace, the endless swiping on apps, or even our age. But, from my experience, having navigated the dating scene myself after a tough breakup that kept me single for three long years, the real roadblocks often lie beneath the surface, in the quiet realm of our subconscious patterns.

I remember those three years vividly. I was doing all the 'right' things. I put myself out there, struck up conversations, and endured what felt like an endless parade of first dates – I think I clocked around 50 in total! There were the 'needy' ones who clung on too tightly from the get-go, the emotionally unavailable types who seemed allergic to any real connection, and honestly, just about every other archetype in between. I devoured the self-help books, diligently practicing the art of 'letting go'. Yet, despite my conscious efforts, something fundamental felt off. Looking back, I now understand that my unconscious beliefs were subtly, yet powerfully, sabotaging my chances of finding genuine happiness.

Carl Jung's profound words, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate,” resonate deeply here. We often attribute our dating struggles to external circumstances, but the true battle often lies within our unconscious programming. Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby, provides a compelling lens through which to understand this. Our early relationships, particularly with our primary caregivers, lay the blueprint for how we experience love and connection as adults. These formative experiences create internal models for all our romantic relationships, significantly influencing our partner choices. If these deeply ingrained patterns remain unexamined, we might unknowingly find ourselves drawn to relationships that mirror the very unhealthy dynamics we experienced growing up.

In my work with clients who feel perpetually stuck in the dating cycle, I've consistently observed three key ways they unknowingly sabotage their pursuit of love. I recognise these patterns because, in my journey, I stumbled into them too.

If any of these resonate with you, know that you're not alone, and more importantly, that awareness is the first step towards change.

1. You're mistaking the spark of chemistry for the foundation of compatibility

It's so easy to get swept away by that initial rush of chemistry. That electric feeling can be intoxicating, and we often mistake its intensity for true love. However, that initial spark can sometimes be a siren song, drawing us towards familiar, yet ultimately unhealthy, patterns from our past. Think about it. If you grew up navigating emotionally distant parents, you might subconsciously seek out partners who replicate that same dynamic, confusing the emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows with genuine passion.

But here's the truth: lasting love isn't solely built on fireworks. It thrives on the steadier flame of emotional security, shared values, mutual respect, and a willingness to nurture that initial chemistry over time. To cultivate a healthy and fulfilling relationship, you need to become more discerning about why you're drawn to certain people.

What to do about it

Take some time for honest reflection on your past relationships. What recurring patterns do you notice? Are you consistently drawn to a specific type of person?

I also encourage you to explore the different attachment styles. Understanding your attachment style and that of others can be incredibly illuminating. This awareness is a crucial first step in breaking free from old patterns.

2. You're approaching dating from a place of neediness, not abundance

Think about the energy you bring to your dates. Are you hoping this person will 'complete you'? Are you operating from a fear of being alone? Dating from a place of lack or neediness creates a subtle pressure that can make it almost impossible to relax, enjoy the process, and forge a genuine connection. Love, at its core, should be fun and expansive. If you're approaching dating with anxiety, constantly worried about whether you measure up or if this person will choose you, you're creating a barrier to authentic connection.

What to do about it

Shift your mindset. Instead of viewing dating as a desperate search to fill a void, try to approach it with ease and curiosity. Let go of the need to control the outcome.

Cultivate a sense of abundance in your life. Focus on your friendships, your passions, and your wellbeing. When you operate from a place of inner fullness, you naturally exude more confidence, presence, and openness to genuine connections, without the weight of expectation.

3. You're holding back, afraid to open up and truly invest

The fear of vulnerability can be a powerful force, keeping you trapped in superficial dating patterns. You might find yourself hesitant to invest emotionally, waiting for the other person to make the first move, to show their hand before you reveal yours. But building lasting love requires courage – the courage to invest in someone, to open up and express your emotions authentically. It also means having the self-respect and courage to walk away if someone doesn't align with your values or reciprocate your emotional investment.

Confident, emotionally secure individuals aren't afraid to give of themselves, to be present and engaged, and to observe how the other person responds before adjusting their expectations. They understand that true connection requires a reciprocal flow of vulnerability.

What to do about it

Start small. Practice vulnerability in your daily interactions. Share a little more about yourself with trusted friends. On dates, be fully present – put your phone away, make eye contact, and truly listen to what the other person is saying, both verbally and non-verbally. Allowing yourself to be seen and heard is essential for building intimacy.

The path to lasting love begins within: How hypnosis can help

If any of these patterns resonate with you, I encourage you to take a deeper dive within. It's time to gently set aside the endless lists of ideal partner qualities, the manifestation journals filled with affirmations, and the external pressure to meet some societal ideal of a relationship. Instead, turn your attention inward. Reflect on your childhood – how might the dynamics you experienced growing up be subtly influencing your dating choices today? Are you consistently drawn to people who don't align with the vision you have for your life?

As I mentioned, the real work often lies in understanding the origins of these self-sabotaging behaviors. This is where the profound power of hypnotherapy comes into play. It offers a unique and effective pathway to gently revisit those pivotal moments in your past where you first experienced pain, distrust, or perhaps even learned unhealthy relational patterns.

Think of it as carefully and compassionately stepping back into those scenes, not to relive the trauma, but to gain a deeper understanding of the emotions and beliefs that were formed at that time. Understanding, truly understanding at an emotional level, is immense power. It allows you to start processing the feelings you may have unconsciously held onto for years – feelings that can silently dictate your present-day choices in relationships.

Through hypnosis, we can access the subconscious mind, the storehouse of these early experiences and their associated emotions. It's a safe and guided process that allows you to witness these past events from a more objective perspective, as the adult you are now. This can lead to profound emotional release, freeing you from the grip of old hurts and outdated beliefs that no longer serve you.

As you begin to process these past experiences and release the emotional charge they hold, you start to unravel the unconscious loops that have kept you stuck in repetitive patterns in your relationships. You begin to see why you might have been drawn to certain types of partners or why you might have unconsciously created distance or sabotaged connections just as they started to deepen.

This isn't about blaming the past; it's about gaining clarity and liberating yourself from its unconscious hold. By understanding the roots of your relational patterns, you gain the power to make conscious choices in the present, paving the way for healthier, more fulfilling connections and the genuine love you truly deserve. Hypnotherapy offers a powerful tool to unlock this understanding and facilitate profound and lasting change in your approach to love.

Ask yourself the difficult, but ultimately liberating, questions:

• Am I, in some way, afraid of being in a truly loving and committed relationship?
• What deep-seated beliefs do I hold about love and my worthiness of it?

Taking the time for this honest introspection is not always easy, but it is profoundly transformative. All genuine journeys toward lasting love begin with this deep self-awareness and reflection. When you bring your unconscious patterns into the light of consciousness, you unlock the potential for healthier, more fulfilling relationships to finally blossom.