How radical acceptance can transform your life

In February of 2020, I almost had a nervous breakdown.

Looking back now (because hindsight is 2020!), I know that although there were a few contributing factors. The most important one was this: I had, over time, worked so hard to bend myself into so many shapes to please the people around me, that I had completely exhausted my inner resources. 

The hardest thing that I was going through was working with a manager who was constantly making me feel less than. What bothered them the most were the mistakes I made because of my dyslexia, such as spelling errors and skipping words in sentences. Their goal for me was to stop making these errors completely with no support from anyone else.

Their method to get me to change? Humiliation. They would get me to read sentences out loud in front of the team and ask me to try to spot the mistakes. In those moments, I wanted the ground to open and swallow me whole. 

Unfortunately, neurodiversity isn't something we can wish away - no matter how much my manager wanted me to. This was a relationship that just wasn't working for either of us.

I refused to accept this simple fact. I worked harder. I complained more. I obsessed more. I just refused to confront the reality my dyslexia wasn't going to go away and neither would my manager suddenly change and become more compassionate to suit me. 

Today, I would handle the same situation very differently. I would radically accept that I was not able to meet my manager's expectations as they were. I would have had an honest conversation about why the situation was not working for me. I would have acknowledged that maybe I wasn't the right fit for this role if they needed someone to make no mistakes.

This would have freed me up to explore so many other possibilities. I could have requested extra support from leaders in the company who had dyslexia to manage their expectations. I could have decided not to renew the role and requested to transfer to another project. I could have requested access to corrective software or peer support. 

I wish I dared to look hard at myself and give up the need to be right and to win and instead loved myself fully for my strengths and weakness.

What is radical acceptance?

Radical acceptance is the practice of stopping yourself from pushing against the reality that is out of your control and wishing things were different. Instead, it requires you to accept and embrace situations, people, and even yourself as is. 

Radical acceptance is an extremely powerful practice. Instead of focusing on the problem, it allows you to focus on possible solutions. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you give up what you want but you rather enable yourself to stop moaning about life, get clear on what your true priorities are, and get creative with coming up with solutions.

How would you practice radical acceptance in your daily life?

Many of us suffer because we’ve been hurt by the people in our lives. I know your life would be so much better if:

•  Your boss was compassionate
• Your partner was more affectionate
•  Your mother-in-law wasn’t so competitive and nit-picky

But, here’s the thing. You’ve got what you’ve got. If you focus all your energy on other people, you are forgetting the most important part of the equation - YOU! Radical acceptance puts you back into the driving seat in your own life so that you are no longer at the mercy of how others behave. It helps you take responsibility for your feelings and your outcomes. 

Through acceptance of difficult situations, you will be able to find ways to:

•  Be firmer and more assertive with your boss
• Recognise how your partner is trying to show that they love you or you will learn to communicate your needs in a healthier way
• Take a step back from the competition and take your mother-in-law’s behaviour with a bigger pinch of salt and find compassion for her.

How can Radical Transformational Therapy (RTT) help with acceptance? 

RTT enables us to access the subconscious mind and bring to light the secret programming that is driving our behaviour. It will help you find answers to questions like "why are you taking the behaviour and opinions of others so personally?" "What is this reminding you of?" Have you, like I, learned that self-esteem is linked to how other people felt about you?

Working with your therapist, you can answer questions about when, how, and where you were first hurt so that you can release all the negativity and bad associations with those memories and start afresh. The people in your life won’t change but you will. 

Only when you change will you be able to respond to the people around you differently and only then will the outcomes you experience change.