Why understanding your behaviour isn't always enough

Understanding why we think, feel, or behave a certain way can be an important step toward change. But insight alone doesn’t always translate into doing things differently, even when we genuinely want it to.

In this article, I explore why that can happen, what it really means to develop a different way of responding, and how cognitive behavioural hypnotherapy may help bridge the gap between understanding and putting it into practice.

When knowing isn’t the same as doing

Have you ever looked back on a situation and thought, “I knew better than that. Why did I react that way?”

Perhaps you understood what upset you, recognised that your response wasn’t particularly helpful, and could see how you would have preferred to handle things differently. You may even have a clear idea of what you’d like to do next time. Yet when a similar situation arises, you might find yourself responding in much the same way.

What can be particularly frustrating is the feeling that you should be able to do something differently by now. After all, you’ve thought about it, made sense of it and genuinely intended to change your response.

When this happens repeatedly, we may begin to question ourselves, wondering whether we’re simply not trying hard enough. But that conclusion overlooks an important possibility: the difficulty may not be a matter of effort or intention.

There may be good reasons why changing a familiar response is not as straightforward as deciding to do so.

Why familiar responses can be difficult to change

Part of the answer lies in how our responses develop through experience, and what they may have helped us manage along the way.

We learn how to deal with situations from what happens when we respond. Some approaches prove useful, some become familiar through repetition, and others may have helped us cope with circumstances that were quite different from those we face today.

A response can therefore make sense in the context in which it developed, without necessarily being useful in every situation where it later appears. And because we’ve used it before, we may return to it without giving it much consideration.

But changing an established response can involve more than moving away from what is familiar. Knowing how we’d prefer to behave doesn’t necessarily mean we’ve developed the skills to do so. For instance, we might understand the importance of setting a boundary without much practice communicating one. Or we may know a different approach would be worthwhile, yet struggle to figure out how to begin.

There is also a difference between being able to do something in one set of circumstances and being able to do it in another. We may manage a situation quite well when we have time to prepare, but find the same response much harder when we’re caught off guard, distracted or under pressure.

Ultimately, changing how we respond can involve more than deciding to do something differently. It may also require developing the ability to put that decision into practice.

What might responding differently actually look like?

Responding differently doesn’t necessarily mean that a familiar reaction disappears. Sometimes the change is in what we do next.

Someone who usually avoids unfamiliar situations might decide to take part in something new, even if they feel hesitant. Someone who tends to take over might offer support without immediately assuming responsibility. In some circumstances, the response we have always used may still be the most appropriate.

What begins to change, however, is the range of responses available to us. Instead of approaching a situation in much the same way each time, we may become better able to consider what the circumstances call for.

This doesn’t mean we’ll always respond as intended. We might handle something differently on one occasion and struggle the next. Developing greater flexibility takes time, especially when we are learning to respond in ways that feel less familiar.

How cognitive behavioural hypnotherapy may help

When someone already understands a difficulty, therapy doesn’t necessarily need to begin by searching for another explanation. The focus may instead shift towards helping them develop and use different ways of responding.

In cognitive behavioural hypnotherapy (CBH), the therapist and client can work together to identify what the person can already do, where they encounter difficulties, and what might help them develop a different response.

This may involve practising a particular skill, breaking a difficult situation into more manageable parts or gradually applying an existing ability in circumstances where it has previously been harder to use.

For example, someone who tends to abandon a task when they encounter an unexpected problem might practise staying with the difficulty long enough to consider their options, rather than immediately giving up. What happens during these attempts can guide further work, including identifying where additional support or practice may help.

Hypnosis can complement this process through focused attention and guided mental rehearsal. Rather than imagining that everything goes perfectly, someone might rehearse how they could respond to a challenging situation, including how they might manage unexpected difficulties. Mental rehearsal can help someone prepare to respond differently, while real-life experience and practising in everyday situations provide opportunities to put those responses into action.

Change may not follow a straight line.

An established response may still appear, particularly in demanding situations. But progress can also mean becoming better able to recognise what is happening, recover when things don’t go as intended and continue developing a way of responding that works for the person and the circumstances they face. 

If you understand the changes you'd like to make but find it difficult to put them into practice, working with a qualified hypnotherapist may help you explore and develop new ways of responding.