Why is it so hard to make changes, even when I really want to?

“Right, that's it! Something needs to change.” Does this sound familiar?

Perhaps you've had that conversation with yourself before. You might have decided it's time to stop overthinking, feel more confident, develop healthier habits or finally do something you've been putting off.

You've thought about it. You know what you'd like to be different. You might even have a fairly good idea of how to get there. And yet, a few weeks later, you find yourself thinking, “Why am I still doing the same things?” or, without even realising it, you go back to autopilot. 

It can be frustrating, particularly when the desire to change is genuinely there. Sometimes that frustration turns inwards:

• “Maybe I'm just not motivated enough.”
• “Why can everyone else seem to manage this?”
• “I should have sorted this out by now.”

But perhaps there's another way of looking at it.

Knowing what you want isn't the same as feeling able to change

We often assume that once we've recognised something we'd like to change, the rest should be relatively straightforward. Make a decision. Set a goal. Get on with it, right? Except we're human, and things aren't always that simple.

Our thoughts, expectations, previous experiences and current circumstances can all influence how we approach situations. Sometimes familiar ways of thinking become so automatic that we barely notice them.

Take confidence, for example. Someone might really want to feel more comfortable speaking up at work, meeting new people or trying something unfamiliar. But before they've even had the opportunity, their mind is already busy:

• “What if I say something stupid?”
• “They'll probably think I don't know what I'm talking about.”
• “Maybe I'll just leave it for another time.”

When we're regularly anticipating what might go wrong, it can become harder to recognise what might go well. And sometimes, without consciously deciding to, we find ourselves approaching situations in much the same way as before.

The pressure to change can become part of the problem

Having worked with people in different settings throughout my career, both in HR and now in therapy, I've noticed how easily people can place considerable pressure on themselves to have everything figured out.

We can become very good at recognising what we're not doing, what we haven't achieved or what we think we should be doing better. And when things don't change as quickly as we'd hoped, the internal conversation can become increasingly critical: “Here we go again. I've tried this before. What's the point?”

It's understandable. Nobody particularly enjoys feeling stuck. But constantly measuring ourselves against where we think we should be can make it difficult to recognise where we're already making progress.

Perhaps you've started questioning an old assumption. Maybe you're becoming more aware of the situations that trigger overthinking. Or, perhaps you've noticed that something which previously felt overwhelming now feels a little more manageable.

Those changes might not seem particularly significant at first. Yet they can be meaningful. Not every change begins with a dramatic decision or a noticeable difference in behaviour. Sometimes it begins with a different perspective.

What if change starts with thinking differently?

We tend to associate change with action. Doing more. Trying harder. Being more disciplined. Finally getting around to whatever we've been avoiding. And, of course, actions can be important, but our thinking can influence what feels possible in the first place.

Imagine someone who has spent years telling themselves, “I'm just not a confident person.” It's now a very familiar thought. Perhaps they've believed it for so long that it no longer feels like an opinion. It feels like a fact. But what happens when they begin to notice occasions when they have been confident?

Perhaps they handled a difficult conversation better than expected. Tried something unfamiliar. Made a decision without seeking everyone's approval. The original thought might not tell the whole story after all.

This doesn't mean replacing every negative thought with a positive one or pretending that difficulties don't exist. It's about becoming more open to alternative ways of understanding ourselves and our experiences. And as our perspective begins to shift, different responses and possibilities may become easier to recognise.

Finding a different way forward

One thing I appreciate about a solution-focused approach is that it doesn't assume we need to understand every detail of why something has become difficult before we can begin exploring what might help.

There can be value in understanding our past, and different therapeutic approaches offer different ways of working with this. Solution-focused work, however, places particular emphasis on what someone would like to be different, the strengths and resources they already have, and the times when things are working a little better.

Rather than focusing exclusively on “Why do I keep doing this?”, we might become curious about other questions:

• “When does this feel less difficult?”
• “What am I already doing that's helping?”
• “What might I notice if things started to feel a little easier?”

These aren't questions designed to dismiss difficulties or force positive thinking. They're invitations to explore a wider picture.

Sometimes we become so accustomed to noticing what's wrong that we overlook the things that are already going reasonably well. And recognising those differences can help us develop a more balanced view of ourselves and what may be possible.

How might solution-focused hypnotherapy help?

Solution-focused hypnotherapy combines solution-focused conversations with guided relaxation and hypnosis. 

The conversational element encourages you to explore what you'd like to be different, recognise existing strengths and consider helpful possibilities for the future. The hypnosis element involves a guided state of focused attention and relaxation. For some people, this can provide an opportunity to step away from everyday distractions and engage with helpful suggestions and ideas in a different way.

It isn't about someone taking control of your mind, making decisions for you or guaranteeing that unwanted habits will disappear. Instead, the aim is to support a process in which you can explore different perspectives, develop your resources and consider how you'd prefer to respond to situations.

As with any therapeutic approach, experiences and outcomes vary. Hypnotherapy isn't suitable for everyone, and the evidence for its effectiveness differs depending on the issue being addressed.

Perhaps you don't need to have everything figured out

If you've been trying to make changes and feel as though you're getting nowhere, it's worth remembering that change doesn't always happen in the way we expect.

It isn't necessarily a straight line, and it doesn't always begin with a burst of motivation or a sudden decision to do everything differently. Sometimes the most meaningful shift is a quieter one.

Noticing that you're being less critical of yourself. Recognising that you've handled something differently. Feeling a little more open to an experience you might previously have avoided. Or simply beginning to question a thought you've accepted as true for years.

Perhaps instead of asking yourself, “Why haven't I changed yet?”, there's room for a slightly different question: “What might already be beginning to change?” And that can be an interesting place to start.