When someone you love is hurting: A guide to offering support

I’m sitting on a bench on Dartmoor, wrapped in warm kit with a cold wind biting my face, listening to a friend as she unloads three years of pent-up emotions in an explosion of words. There’s so much going on that I’m not sure if we’re talking about her anymore, but I’m battling the buffeting wind and getting as much as possible. 

Sometimes this happens when people find out you're a therapist, a chance meeting on a dog walk can turn into, well, this. There’s a pause, a breath - actually, it was more of a deflation, like all the air had left her body as she told me how lost she felt. Here’s the twist, the payoff for reading thus far… none of this was about her. All of this stemmed from worry about her fella, a man she was watching fall apart and who she felt totally unable to help. 

Just like my friend felt helpless, you might be struggling with how to support your loved one. Watching a loved one struggle with their mental health is a crushing experience and often the hardest part is not knowing how to help. So, what should you do? Well, let's set out some simple advice that can get you to the point where you can feel confident you’re helping.

1. Listen

Keep your lips sewn shut. Listen. Don’t wait for opportunities to speak, actively listen to what they are saying. I have had sessions with clients where I feel like I’ve said almost nothing. We reach the end of our time together and as they leave they look you dead in the eye, “Thank you, that was great.”

Don’t make it about you, don’t tell them you know how they feel, don’t compare their situation to something that you’ve experienced. If they stop, wait a second, give them a chance to start up again. And if they don’t, just tell them what you’ve heard them say and let them use that as a springboard to start again. Knowing that you have listened to them and that the normal rules of social interaction don’t apply in this conversation will give them the confidence to go back “on send”.

95% of my clients are men (usually military or blue light) so I was really worried, but not surprised when I read the research from King's College London that highlights the hidden nature of men's loneliness. Many men, even those with seemingly active social lives, feel they have no one to turn to in moments of crisis. This emotional isolation can be profound, leaving them feeling unsupported and unable to share their struggles. The demographic least likely to open up are often the ones that need support the most. 

It's terrifying that you can help change by just giving someone the opportunity to get the thoughts out of their heads. Often, just the act of talking it out, hearing the words in real space, can be what is needed to help someone gain a little perspective on what they’re dealing with.

2. Educate yourself

You’ve read this far so you’re obviously already set off down this track and that’s a great start. To further your understanding, dive deeper into the specifics. Explore reliable online resources and learn about common mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety, or research issues related to your loved one's situation. The more you know, the better equipped you'll be to offer meaningful support.

3. Be patient

Many moons ago, when I daydreamed of becoming a therapist, I wanted to be the magician who, with sharp insight and intuition could dispel fears and fix people. That’s not how this works, you’re not the one doing the fixing (stand by for a cringy but true cliche) you’re helping them fix themselves. That means that you’re working to their timings, it can be slow but remember: progress is progress.

4. Take care of yourself

When my wife's happy, I’m happy. When I’m happy, my wife's happy (I hope). If your partner is struggling and then you spiral too, that is not going to help either of you. Look after yourself, supporting someone struggling can be emotionally taxing so you need to make sure you’re doing things that help keep/put you in a good space.

5. Encourage treatment and support

“You would say that, you’re a therapist” I hear you cry. Well yes, but that shouldn’t detract from the fact that there are great therapists out there who can help people with the knowledge, skill and competence that you might not be able to bring to a situation. I’ve seen how hypnotherapy can help uncover and reframe subconscious beliefs, fostering self-awareness and emotional connection. Suggesting it could be a gentle yet impactful way to support your loved one.

I’ve never regretted reaching out to a friend I know is going through a rough patch. Knowing that you’re thinking of them can be a real lift. Let them know you're there to listen, without judgment, over a cup of tea or a dog walk on the moors. Just a small gesture of support or an acknowledgement of their situation can have a profound impact.

Take that first step, and be a source of strength and comfort for someone you care about. Your support can be the difference that makes a difference.