How to set healthy boundaries without guilt

Like values, boundaries are a set of principles you carry with you wherever you go and whoever you’re with. If you think boundaries are something you set once you enter a relationship, or believe you use boundaries in response to someone else’s behaviour, read on.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are an integral part of you. They are always present, shaping every interaction you have. Because boundaries stem from personal values, they come with you into every relationship – including the relationship you have with yourself.

Boundaries are the limits you set to protect your mental, emotional and physical well-being. Imagine them being the bubble that surrounds you to protect you from invasion. Underneath boundaries is high self-esteem – someone who knows they deserve kindness and respect.

Boundaries fall into different brackets, for example, emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, time boundaries and digital boundaries. Emotionally healthy and mentally resilient people will have clear boundaries that do not waver. They draw people towards them because they exude self-respect and confidence. They will not stand for disrespect. 

Conversely, people with low self-esteem may not even feel deserving of boundaries. They may try to create boundaries in a situation where they feel uncomfortable, but by then it’s too late. Their hesitancy will display disrespect for themselves, causing others to model this behaviour. This can lead to feelings of entanglement and knots inside – you know something isn’t right, but you don’t know how to change it.

Formally setting your own boundaries, much like formally writing your values, will help you develop confidence and self-esteem. Boundaries are what you will and will not accept, not what others can or cannot do.

Why do we feel guilty about setting boundaries?

There are many reasons why you may feel guilt about setting boundaries, but #1 is that you learned somewhere along the line that doing so means hurting someone else’s feelings or letting them down. Some people learn early in life to prioritise others above themselves. You may fear rejection or conflict, and tell yourself that you're selfish if you say no.

How much you feel comfortable giving to others is your prerogative. When someone steps too far into your (metaphorical) house, they are in the wrong – they are taking one step too far. They need to own the guilt. Now of course, when you do not assert your boundaries clearly, they may say they didn’t see the no-entry sign. Things can become muddled. If you assert your boundaries clearly and someone disrespects them, it is for them to own, not you.

The benefits of setting boundaries

Setting boundaries is beneficial for everyone. When you express your boundaries clearly it stops others feeling confused. Your boundaries can be flexible to an extent but if you waver, others will too.

Boundaries improve mental and emotional health. Without boundaries, it is easy to feel overwhelmed, anxious and frustrated. Healthy boundaries will help you feel safe and in control, so you can focus on your emotional needs. You will have greater resilience and peace as you meet your own needs, rather than feeling burdened with the expectations and needs of others.

Boundaries reflect your self-esteem. When you respect your own needs and say no to situations that do not serve you, you reinforce your self-worth. Every time you respect your own boundaries, you demonstrate to yourself that your feelings and values matter. This is a true demonstration of self-respect.  This strengthens self-esteem and confidence in your ability to protect and prioritise yourself.

Boundaries are the foundation for healthy and respectful relationships.

Imagine taking a hike through the countryside. You’re walking down designated paths, but suddenly you happen across a well-maintained area with a house not so far away. It looks like the garden, but you’re not sure. You wonder whether you’ve taken a wrong turn, so you look at the map, but it seems right. You feel concerned that you’re about to walk through the middle of someone’s garden. Like an intruder, you scurry through. Unsure if you’re in the right or wrong.

Now imagine the situation again, but this time as you approach the space, there is a picket fence separating the garden from the path. You know exactly where you’re supposed to walk. It feels safe, you feel certain that you’re on the right path. You walk through confidentially without hesitation. This feels better.

When you have clear boundaries, they help others feel safe around you, as well as you to feel safe in general. Boundaries create mutual understanding and reduce the likelihood of misunderstandings or resentment. When you clearly express your boundaries, you can develop relationships with trust, emotional intimacy and equality without guilt.

Boundaries will give you more time to focus on the things you love. You’ll have more energy, as you’re no longer doing the things that drain you. You will have time to focus on your growth and happiness, rather than constantly putting the needs of others above your own. This will leave you fuller to help others when it feels good to do so.

Tools to overcome guilt

1. Formally write your boundaries

When you have formal boundaries, they are easier to assess. When you write your boundaries as a set of principles you live by, they become about you rather than the other person. When you say no to something, it is because you are living by your principles, rather than a personal attack on someone else.

2. Write the reasons for your boundaries

It is important to know that you never have to justify a boundary to someone else. However, it is important to understand your reasons for your boundaries. This will validate your feelings, and when you waver, you can reread your personal justification.

3. Use positive affirmations to assess your self-worth

Using positive affirmations will help you remember you are worthy. It is more effective to use positive affirmations daily, so they become a normal thing you do. However, they will come into their own when you have a wobble.

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries transforms your mental and emotional well-being, strengthens self-respect, balances relationships, and opens space for personal growth and self-care.  

Hypnotherapy is a powerful tool in this process. By guiding you into a deeply focused state, it helps you visualise your life both with and without boundaries, enabling you to see the difference they can make. It allows you to build confidence and mentally rehearse setting boundaries, helping you feel prepared to uphold them in real life.