Feeling left out? How hypnotherapy helps you reconnect
Your friends admire you for being “a true grown-up” – responsible, level-headed, and always there for others. But does it feel like something’s missing?
If you often feel like you’re missing out, despite being surrounded by people who care, hypnotherapy could help you understand and shift what’s holding you back.
It’s not that we’re isolated or alone. In fact, surrounded by friends and family, we’re never short of invitations. We know friends value our take on life, and we like the role of being their confidante, problem-solving their issues with humour and common sense. So why, when the evidence confirms we’re loved and wanted, do we feel distanced from the togetherness and bonding others take for granted?
Trauma, triggers, and holding back
Holding ourselves back from intimacy can be a response to trauma. Trauma can be so painful that we develop a defence mechanism in the unconscious, designed to protect us from more hurt. Our instinct to trust becomes a casualty as we become fearful of sharing our deepest emotional self: we hold back.
Triggers for trauma
Perhaps we had parents with addiction or untreated illness. Our lives may have been torn apart by an anguishing bereavement or one of the many other grotesque twists of fate.
Not only do we endure the horror of trauma, but if those we depend on for love aren’t there for us, we are doubly vulnerable.
Sometimes the trauma may not have been seen as so dreadful in the eyes of others, but a cruel hurt when young can still do a lot of long-lasting harm. A petty-seeming conflict with our teenage friends, for example, can escalate into isolation and alienation.
Whatever precipitates trauma, the way we learn to cope with it can persist, infiltrating all aspects of our lives, especially the relationships we have with our nearest and dearest.
The hidden cost of self-protection
If we’re holding back emotionally, the worst thing to do is to blame ourselves. We didn’t cause the trauma, and we couldn’t possibly have resolved it. Self-blame also won’t do a lot to change our behaviour. The protective mechanism that developed in response to trauma is rooted in our unconscious mind, which is driven by the survival principle to preserve life, no matter what it takes. If that means making us hold back, so be it. It’s better than the alternative.
Genuine tragedy is not easily shaken off, especially if it occurs during our formative years.
A future in store
If our emerging selves get a battering, it impacts the way we see the future. Being given support to process traumatic experiences certainly helps, but it is not always enough. And some of us receive no support. The trauma can still stand in the way, limiting our capacity to be truly alive to our fullest potential. We miss out.
A cautious approach to life
When we’re young, it’s natural to experiment. We need to take a few risks to establish who we are and what we want to be. This stage flourishes when we have a secure foundation, but if the world is rocking, we’re doubting ourselves, we’re anxious, the last thing we feel like doing is getting out there to try new things. An avoidant habit creeps up. We act more like an older person: cautious, ruminative, watchful.
The mini-parent
Serious trauma can turn us into a mini-parent, particularly if we have dysfunctional parents or have been bereaved. We focus on looking after not just ourselves, but our families, too. There’s not much time or energy to have fun, and we feel duty-bound to take responsibility. An “old head “ is grafted onto young shoulders.
Case study:
Zoe loved the attention of her affectionate family until, at age 14, her mother died in an accident. As her older siblings had left home, it was just Zoe and her dad. Zoe coped with grief, looked after her stricken father and ran the household.
Life changed dramatically. Security was gone, and the once-happy home was desolate. Her father went out a lot, her siblings were immersed in their plans, and her friends felt remote. In company, she was her normal, bubbly self, but she felt at odds and left out when her carefree besties giggled and groaned about the ridiculousness of their doting parents and their absurd rules.
Outwardly, she seemed fine, but without anyone to support her, she kept the pain of grief and the sense of being forgotten to herself. Gradually, she grew into self-containment. Relying on herself seemed a better option than reaching out and risking the pain of being treated as a burden or looking weak.
As Zoe found, trauma makes us self-reliant. When our world is in chaos, it gives us a comforting feeling of being in control. It makes our pain more bearable and, before we know it, autonomy is a fixed habit. The downside is that we stop opening ourselves to the full spectrum of emotions, even with those we love.
Resilient adults
Alongside holding back, trauma makes us resilient. The ingrained habit of taking responsibility enables us to do well at work, become devoted parents and deal with life’s curveballs. Not for us romantic dreams of a “rescuer” or a fairy godmother sprinkling her magic to make it all better. If we want something, we take responsibility and figure it out for ourselves.
Re-enacting “missing out” in adulthood
Confident and capable, we are trapped in a paradox. We yearn for closeness, but fear being close.
Unconsciously, we fear that love could melt away; we’ll be let down again. Even if it means missing out, we avoid the moments when we could have real togetherness, real bonding. We make excuses to turn down invitations for unique occasions, we leave celebrations early, and change the topic if the conversation gets too personal. Despite having come so far in life, irrational as it sounds, the unconscious mind is causing a re-enactment of the dreaded missing out experience that so traumatised us in our youth.
Hiding our vulnerability for fear of being hurt was captured in Labi Siffre’s memorable lyrics: "Crying. Crying never did me no good, no how. That’s why I, I don’t cry."
Breaking the cycle
If this pattern strikes a chord, don’t give up, as change can happen at any age if we want it enough.
Cast-iron research confirms that self-care helps us tolerate the anxiety that sparks when we change our habits and beliefs. Journaling, breathing techniques, calming physical activity, enough sleep and eating well all help enormously. There are invaluable resources in the media and libraries created by survivors of trauma, sharing what has enabled them to break the chains. Self-help groups online or in person are usually free, and many are run by charities.
Learning to trust again takes time and works best when we take it gradually, starting in small steps.
How can hypnotherapy help?
Still stuck in the norm? Hypnotherapy offers a direct route into the place where our coping mechanisms took root: the unconscious mind. Using the resources of the unconscious, which is where we store memories, imagination, emotions, stress triggers and habits, the process involves enabling the unconscious to let go of the obstacles to intimacy. Nothing can exist before we imagine it, and hypnotherapy is a powerful tool to help us move forward and make our longed-for future into a compelling reality.
Why suffer in silence when you could make an appointment to reset your life?
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