Beyond the myth: Reclaiming self-love without the loneliness

The misleading mantra

“Love yourself first.”

It’s a catchy phrase – comforting, well-intentioned, and endlessly echoed in wellness circles. However, for many, it may carry a hidden pressure, which is that you must be perfectly healed before you’re allowed to be loved by someone else.

I’ve seen it become a self-imposed sentence of solitude for so many clients. What may start as a desire for personal development after a disastrous relationship turns into a quiet isolation. Clients often ask me: “If I still have insecurities, should I stay single?” or “Does struggling with boundaries mean I’m not ready for love?”

My answer often surprises them, which is that I believe that real self-love doesn’t require perfection or solitude. What it requires is presence.

Now, let’s unpack why this myth is so seductive – and what the science of the mind reveals about how love, connection, and healing actually work.

Why we think we must “fix ourselves” first

The belief that love can only come after healing often stems from a misunderstanding of what healing is.

Many of us may carry subconscious narratives from early childhood or past relationships that tell us that:

• “I’m too much.”
• “I mess things up.”
• “Love makes me lose myself.”

These beliefs don’t magically vanish in isolation. In fact, relationships often surface them in vivid clarity – and give us the opportunity to heal them in real time.

Healing is not a precondition to love. Healing is something that happens while we are in a relationship, not just withdrawing from connection.

Reframing self-love: It’s not what you’ve been told

Let’s start by redefining self-love.

It’s not a list of affirmations taped to your mirror. It’s not the ability to enjoy a solo holiday. It’s not being unfazed by rejection or comparison.

Self-love is your relationship with yourself – it can be messy, evolving, and ultimately human.

Here’s how we can reconnect with this concept:

• Self-awareness: Noticing your internal patterns and emotional habits without judgment.
• Self-acceptance: Recognising your flaws and shadows as parts of your wholeness, not as defects to fix.
• Self-compassion: Offering softness to yourself in your hardest moments.
• Personal boundaries:Choosing who and what has access to your energy.
• Ownership: Taking responsibility for your healing and not waiting for someone else to do it for you.

Crucially, none of these require you to be single. In fact, many of them deepen within a partnership.

Case study: When “healing first” becomes a hiding place

One of my clients (we’ll call her Naomi) came to therapy with a mantra: “I’m not dating until I’m fixed.”

She had been single for five years, deeply invested in self-help, therapy, and personal development. But her inner world remained haunted by familiar fears – rejection, abandonment, people-pleasing. Despite her efforts, she felt stuck.

Through hypnotherapy, we uncovered a core belief shaped in childhood: “It’s safer to be alone than to be hurt again.” This was the ‘aha’ moment for Naomi. She wasn’t healing – she was protecting.

Naomi was now able to understand that her avoidance wasn’t coming from empowerment. It was coming from fear disguised as self-growth.

The turning point came when she was able to reframe love not as a reward for being healed, but as a practice ground for becoming the woman she was already becoming.

Another case study: Attracting the same unavailable partners

Another client of mine, whom we'll call Linda, came to me expressing a deeply held belief that finding love would always remain beyond her reach, which is why she remained single. She had a few short relationships, but none that she could see would last long term.

Two core limiting beliefs emerged during our work together: first, that it wasn't safe for Linda to authentically be herself – instead, she needed to please others to maintain safety and connection. Second, she had internalised a view that relationships inevitably devolved into power struggles, with one partner always needing to outshine the other. 

These early childhood conclusions had created a self-fulfilling prophecy in her adult relationships, where subconsciously the only way that she could be herself and shine was by being single, so consequently she was unintentionally attracted to unavailable partners. Remember, what I wrote earlier: the mind wants to keep you safe, not necessarily happy!

Through working together, we were able to address these limiting beliefs at their subconscious roots. By reconnecting with her younger self and providing the safety and understanding she needed then, she began rewriting these narratives. Gradually, she developed the capacity to be authentically herself while maintaining healthy connections, discovering that true partnership thrives on mutual support rather than competition, and there was no reason both could not shine in the relationship.

Love as a laboratory, not a reward

We need to remember that healthy relationships are not the finish line - they are the training ground.

It helps if you think of your romantic partner as a mirror. A catalyst. Sometimes a gentle one, sometimes not. But they are always an invitation.

Here’s how:

• Your partner’s behaviour may reveal your unspoken needs.
• Their affection might challenge your discomfort with receiving.
• Conflict could highlight your boundary work.
• Their emotional distance might echo childhood patterns, inviting you to respond differently.
• You can’t workshop these moments in theory. They show up in practice.

So, it’s not that the idea that “you must love yourself first” is wrong – but it’s incomplete. It’s not a prerequisite. It’s a lifelong parallel process.

Knowing when time alone is healing - and when it’s hiding

Does this mean everyone should jump into a relationship tomorrow? Of course not. Solitude is sacred, too.

There are moments when time alone supports deep recalibration. But the key to this is knowing whether your solitude is an actual choice or if it's a shield.

When solitude serves:

• You feel consistently drained or lost in relationships.
• You're healing from trauma and need stability.
• You’re reconnecting with your identity post-breakup.
• You’re learning to self-soothe without external validation.

When solitude masks avoidance:

• You say you’re “working on yourself,” but avoid real emotional risk.
• You idealise partners who are unavailable, so you stay safely unattached.
• You use “healing” as an excuse to never let anyone in.

What I’ve seen with my clients is that healing doesn’t always happen before love. Sometimes, it happens because of it.

The subconscious mind: How RTT unlocks the deeper patterns

During sessions, we access the subconscious mind – the part of your brain that stores every belief, memory, and emotional imprint we’ve ever had.

An interesting fact is that most people operate from subconscious scripts that were formed before age seven. And in turn,  those scripts drive adult relationship patterns in the following unhelpful ways:

• Choosing emotionally unavailable partners.
• Rejecting good love because it feels unfamiliar.
• Abandoning your needs to “keep the peace.”

RTT allows us to identify and rewire these patterns, so love no longer feels like a threat - but more of a return to safety.

Practical tools to deepen self-love right now

Whether you’re single, coupled, or somewhere in between, these tools can support your journey toward deeper self-connection.

1. Inner protector dialogue 

We all have parts of us that sabotage love, not out of cruelty, but out of protection. That's what our subconscious mind ultimately wants to do. Keep us safe. Not necessarily happy!

Try the following:

• Sit quietly. Close your eyes.
• Visualise the part of you that avoids love.
• Ask: “What are you trying to protect me from?”
• Listen with compassion.
• Thank this part. Then remind it: “I’m safe to love now.”

This practice bridges your inner conflict with empathy, not force.

2. Relationship values inventory 

Without clarity, we accept misalignment. This exercise helps you realign.

Try this:

• Write down your top five values (e.g., honesty, growth, freedom).
• Reflect: Do your current or past relationships honour these?
• Where have you compromised?
• What’s one boundary you can set to protect your values?

Values don’t just guide romantic choices – they also anchor your self-respect.

3. The compassion mirror ritual

Your self-talk sets the tone for your love life. So you may need to change the script!

Try this daily:

• Stand before a mirror. Look into your own eyes.
• Say three things you appreciate about yourself.
• Then say: “I am already enough. I don’t need to earn love – I embody it.”

This small ritual may seem silly at first, but if done consistently, it can reshape your internal narrative.

Final thoughts: Permission to be a work in progress

Let me leave you with this:

• You are allowed to be healing and in love.
• You are allowed to have boundaries and be soft.
• You are allowed to want connection without perfect confidence.

Self-love is definitely not a prerequisite for partnership. It’s the relationship you bring into it.

So, if you’ve been waiting for the “perfect version” of you to show up before you allow intimacy, I invite you to stop waiting.

You’re already worthy.

You’ve always been.