You’re really listening to me: the relief of being heard

Barbara sat in front of me and talked about getting older. She was worried that one day she might have to move into a care home. Would she have enough money? Would she be able to look after herself? What would happen if her circumstances changed and she could no longer manage as she did now?

These were questions about a future that had not happened. Yet the fear she felt was very real in the present.

As a hypnotherapist, I am seeing more and more people with stress and anxiety, from teenagers worrying about school to adults who feel overwhelmed by work, family responsibilities, money or the years ahead. Their circumstances differ, but I often hear something similar: “I can’t seem to stop thinking about it.”

Barbara’s experience shows how heavy those thoughts can become when someone has been carrying them for a long time. It also shows why, before we try to change anything, it matters to feel heard.

When worries about the future take over today

Thinking about the future is a normal part of life. We make plans, consider our finances and think about how we might cope with change. A practical concern may prompt us to find information or have an important conversation. Anxiety can make that process feel very different.

One question leads to another. You picture a difficult possibility, then try to work out how you would cope. Before you have reached an answer, your mind has moved on to the next possibility. The more you think, the more urgent it feels to find certainty.

Barbara’s fears about getting older and having enough money were important to her. I wasn't going to tell her simply to stop worrying. But I wanted to understand what was happening when those thoughts came up. Were they helping her take a useful step, or were they leaving her feeling frightened and weighed down?

That distinction matters. We cannot promise ourselves complete certainty about the future. We can, however, notice when we have become caught in a loop that is making the present harder to live in.

For some people, the worry centres on health. For others, it is their children, their job, a relationship or the fear of being alone. Teenagers may worry about friendships, exams, moving schools or what other people think of them. An adult may appear to manage everything on the outside while privately lying awake, imagining what could go wrong.

Often, people have spent so long living with that pattern that they no longer realise how much energy it takes.

“You’re really listening to me, aren’t you?”

When meeting someone for the first time as a hypnotherapist, it is important to allow time to hear their story. Asking questions can help to understand the person, rather than simply focusing on the label they have given to their problem.

What does the anxiety feel like for them? When do they notice it most? What thoughts keep returning? What have they already tried? And what would they like to be different?

There is a difference between asking someone a question and giving them enough space to answer it. Sometimes a person begins by talking about one worry and gradually realises there is something else underneath. Sometimes they have never had the chance to put all the pieces together.

As Barbara talked, I listened and asked more questions. Partway through, she looked at me and said, “You’re really listening to me, aren’t you?" It was a simple comment, but it stayed with me. I could hear how much she had needed that space. She wasn't looking for someone to tell her her fears were silly. She wanted someone to understand what she was carrying.

Listening is an active part of hypnotherapy. It helps a hypnotherapist understand the language a client uses, the meaning they attach to their experiences and what they hope to gain from our sessions. It also gives them room to hear their own thoughts. An idea that feels enormous and tangled inside the mind can sometimes become a little clearer when spoken aloud.

The worries we keep carrying

Have you ever come home with a bag that felt manageable when you first picked it up, only to find that it seemed heavier with every minute you held it? Our worries can feel like that.

One concern may be hard enough. Then another is added. We think about something that happened years ago, something we need to do tomorrow and something that might happen years from now. They all arrive in the same moment and demand our attention.

People may feel they should be able to cope. They may compare themselves with others, minimise what they are going through or feel embarrassed that an ordinary task now seems difficult. Yet carrying a worry for years can be exhausting, even when nobody else can see it.

As Barbara described her anxiety, I wanted to give her a way to notice that weight. I invited her to try a simple exercise using her imagination. The point wasn't to prove that her concerns didn't matter. Nor was it to erase the past. It was to explore what it might feel like to stop holding everything at once.

A marble in the palm of her hand

I asked Barbara to hold out her hand and imagine that I had placed a marble in it.

You might picture a marble you remember from childhood: small, smooth and round, with a little colour inside it. Barbara did not need to imagine it in any particular way. It only needed to make sense to her.

Then I invited her to go inside herself and place some of the problems and feelings she had been carrying into that marble. If something had been there for years and she wanted to include it, she could. I gave her time.

After a while, she said, “It’s getting heavy.” The marble was growing bigger in her imagination, too. As she added more, she could feel how much she had been carrying.

I asked her to let me know when she had finished. Eventually, she said, “It’s all in there.” Then I asked, “Is there anything in there you want to keep?” “No,” she replied. I asked why she was still holding it. Barbara told me she did not know how to get rid of the stress and anxiety. She had carried it around for years.

That answer mattered. It showed the difference between wanting to feel lighter and knowing how to begin. People are often told to “let it go” as though it were a switch they could simply turn off. If it were that easy, many would have done it already.

We stayed with the exercise and the possibility of putting down what she no longer wanted to hold so tightly. At the end of that first session, Barbara said, “I feel so much lighter.”

I cannot say that one exercise resolved every concern she had about ageing or money. Those are real subjects that may also call for practical information and planning. What Barbara described was her experience in that moment: she felt a sense of relief after giving shape to feelings she had carried for years.

Why use an exercise like this?

You may wonder how imagining a marble could make any difference. After all, there was no actual marble in Barbara’s hand, and her circumstances had not suddenly changed.

The exercise gave Barbara a way to express something that had been difficult to describe. Anxiety can feel vague and everywhere at once. By imagining her worries gathered in one place, she could notice their weight and consider what she wanted to do with them.

Some people find images easy to work with. Others respond more to a physical sense of heaviness or lightness, or to the words they use as they talk. There is no single correct way to experience an exercise like this.

A hypnotherapist should listen for what makes sense to each person. A technique is useful when it helps that person explore their experience safely and move towards the change they want. The conversation around the exercise matters just as much as the exercise itself.

With Barbara, the marble helped us reach a question she hadn't been able to answer before: if she didn't want to keep carrying all that worry, what might it be like to put some of it down?

That question does not require someone to forget a painful experience or ignore a practical problem. It offers a moment to notice that a worry and the person worrying are not the same thing.

Stress and anxiety do not always look the same

The word anxiety can describe many different experiences. A teenager might say they have a stomach ache on school mornings but struggle to explain what they fear. A parent might be trying to support their child while privately feeling close to exhaustion. Someone else may keep busy all day, then find that their thoughts become loud as soon as they get into bed.

An adult may worry about money despite paying the bills. Another may fear becoming ill or losing their independence. Someone might feel tense in a particular situation, while someone else finds that worry follows them from one part of life into another.

Even two people with similar concerns can need very different support. That is why a good hypnotherapist asks questions rather than assuming they understand someone’s experience from a brief description.

I also want to know what they hope life could feel like if anxiety took up less room. Barbara had concerns about the future, but she was living her life now. What might become easier today if she did not have to spend so much energy carrying every possible future difficulty?

For one person, progress may mean sleeping better. For another, it may mean going somewhere they have been avoiding, speaking up at work, or enjoying an afternoon without their thoughts racing ahead. We begin with the person and what matters to them.

Feeling heard is part of the process

Barbara’s comment about being listened to was perhaps the most important moment of our first meeting. Many people arrive expecting to be judged. They worry that their problem is too small, too complicated or too strange to explain. Some have become used to saying, “I’m fine,” because they cannot imagine where to start if they say anything else.

Being listened to can give someone permission to finish a thought without rushing to make it sound reasonable. It can help them notice connections between feelings and events. It can also make it easier to ask for the kind of support they need.

Listening does not mean agreeing with every anxious prediction. If someone fears the worst, a hypnotherapist will not need to confirm that the worst will happen in order to take their feelings seriously.

Nor does listening replace other forms of care. Some concerns need medical attention; others need financial, legal or practical advice. Hypnotherapy can sit alongside appropriate support, depending on the person’s circumstances.

Hypnotherapy offers a place to pause, talk and explore their response to what is happening. For Barbara, having that time made a difference.

Try the marble exercise yourself

If Barbara’s description of carrying worry sounds familiar, you might like to try a gentle version of the exercise. Choose a time when you can sit comfortably without being interrupted.

Begin by noticing where you are. Feel your feet on the floor or the support of the chair beneath you. Look around the room. You do not need to close your eyes unless you want to.

Hold out one hand. Imagine a small marble resting in your palm. It can be any colour you like. If you do not picture things clearly, simply think about what the marble would feel like.

Choose one manageable worry. You don't have to start with the hardest thing you have ever faced. Imagine placing that worry inside the marble. Take your time and notice whether its imagined weight, size or colour changes.

Ask yourself a question. Is there anything useful in that worry, such as a practical step you want to remember? If so, you can keep the step without holding on to every anxious thought around it.

Imagine putting the marble down. You might place it on a table beside you or somewhere else that feels right. Notice what it is like to let your hand rest for a moment. Return your attention to the room. Feel your feet on the floor again. Look around and name a few things you can see.

You may feel lighter. You may notice very little. Either response is fine. This exercise invites you to be curious about what you are carrying, not a test you have to pass.

If difficult memories or overwhelming feelings come up, you can stop. You don't need to work through them alone or force yourself to continue an exercise that doesn't feel helpful.

Putting down a worry is different from ignoring it

After trying an exercise like this, someone may ask, “But won’t the problem still be there?” Sometimes, yes. A bill may still need paying. A conversation may still need to happen. Plans for later life may still be worth making.

Putting a worry down for a moment does not mean pretending those things are unimportant. It means giving yourself enough breathing space to consider them without being surrounded by every frightening possibility at once.

Think of the difference between saying, “I need to look at my finances, so I will find the information I need,” and spending hours imagining all the ways you might be unable to cope decades from now. One may lead towards a useful action. The other may leave you exhausted before you have even begun.

That is not a judgement on anyone who becomes caught in anxious thoughts. When we are frightened, our minds can keep searching for an answer. It is understandable to want certainty. Sometimes we need support to notice that the search itself has become draining.

Barbara’s fear about ageing deserved to be heard. So did the effect that years of carrying anxiety had on her. Both parts of her story mattered.

You do not have to wait until you feel overwhelmed

Some people ask for help when anxiety has reached a point where they can no longer ignore it. Others sense that their worries are beginning to take up more space than they want them to. You don't have to prove your situation is “bad enough” before starting a conversation.

Perhaps you recognise yourself in Barbara’s fears about the future. Perhaps it is your teenager you are concerned about. Or perhaps you cannot point to one particular problem, but you know that you feel tense, tired and unable to switch off.

What stayed with me about Barbara’s first session was not only the marble exercise or the words “I feel so much lighter.” It was the moment she realised she had been heard. Sometimes, when you have carried worry for a long time, being able to talk without rushing is where change begins.