Why is it so much easier to be kind to others than to ourselves?

You wouldn't speak to someone you love the way you sometimes speak to yourself. So why has that critical inner voice become so familiar?

Think about the last time a friend made a mistake, forgot something important or struggled with a difficult situation. Chances are, you offered reassurance. You reminded them that everyone makes mistakes, that they were doing their best and that one difficult moment didn't define who they were.

Now think about what happens when you're the one who makes the mistake. Do you offer yourself the same understanding? Or does a familiar voice appear, reminding you that you should have known better, tried harder or done things differently?

It's a curious contradiction. We can be incredibly compassionate towards other people while holding ourselves to standards we would never expect anyone else to meet. And for many people, this pattern has become so automatic that they barely notice it happening.

Why are we often harder on ourselves than on other people?

Self-criticism doesn't usually appear overnight. It develops through experiences, expectations and the messages we absorb throughout our lives.

Perhaps you grew up believing that making mistakes meant disappointing someone. Perhaps praise came when you achieved something, behaved a certain way, or put other people's needs before your own. Or maybe you learned that being hard on yourself was the best way to stay motivated and avoid failure.

Over time, these experiences can become deeply ingrained beliefs about who we are and what we need to do to be accepted. We might consciously recognise that nobody is perfect, yet still feel that somehow we ought to be. What began as a way of gaining approval, avoiding criticism or protecting ourselves from disappointment can gradually become our normal way of thinking.

Why does my inner critic seem louder than my positive thoughts?

Our brains are naturally attentive to potential threats and negative experiences. This tendency, sometimes called the negativity bias, helped our ancestors notice danger and respond quickly.

But in modern life, the threats we respond to aren't always physical. They may involve being judged or embarrassed, making a mistake, disappointing someone or feeling that we're not good enough.

A critical inner voice can become particularly powerful when it connects with beliefs we've carried for years. For example, someone who believes they aren't capable may remember every mistake they've made while barely acknowledging their achievements. They might receive ten compliments and one criticism, only to spend the evening thinking about the criticism.

The mind has become practised at looking for evidence that supports an existing belief, even when there's plenty of evidence to the contrary. This doesn't mean those beliefs are true. It simply means they've become familiar, and familiar thoughts can feel remarkably convincing.

Can being too hard on yourself make anxiety worse?

Yes. Persistent self-criticism can contribute to stress and anxiety, particularly when it creates a constant sense of pressure or fear of failure.

Imagine having someone following you around all day, questioning your decisions, pointing out your mistakes and reminding you of everything that could go wrong. It would be exhausting. Yet that's effectively what can happen when our own internal dialogue becomes relentlessly critical.

The body can respond to perceived psychological threats with some of the same stress responses involved in physical danger. Muscles tighten, breathing changes, and the mind becomes increasingly alert to what might go wrong next.

This can create a difficult cycle. Anxiety increases self-doubt, self-doubt encourages more criticism, and that criticism adds to the anxiety. It can become a never-ending circle.

Learning to respond to ourselves differently isn't simply about feeling better emotionally. It can also help reduce some of the unnecessary pressure we place on our nervous system.

Why does being kind to myself feel uncomfortable or even selfish?

For some people, self-kindness feels surprisingly unnatural. They may be perfectly comfortable supporting everyone around them but struggle to give themselves permission to rest, say no or acknowledge their own needs.

Sometimes there's an underlying fear that being kinder to ourselves means becoming lazy, complacent or selfish. But self-compassion isn't about avoiding responsibility or pretending everything is wonderful. It's about recognising that we can make mistakes, experience difficult emotions and have imperfections without treating ourselves as though we've failed in some way.

Consider how you might help a child learning to ride a bicycle. Would you tell them they were hopeless every time they fell off? Would constant criticism make them feel more confident about trying again? Probably not. You would encourage them, help them understand what went wrong and remind them that learning takes practice.

And just like children, adults need that same combination of encouragement, patience and accountability. Being kind to yourself doesn't mean lowering your standards. It means changing how you support yourself while working towards them.

How can I change the way I speak to myself?

The first step is often simply noticing. Many of our thoughts are so automatic that we accept them without question.

So can I suggest that the next time you catch yourself thinking, "I'm useless", "I always get things wrong" or "I should be better than this", you become curious about that thought?

Ask yourself: "Would I say this to someone I care about?" If the answer is no, consider what you might say to them instead. Perhaps "I'm useless" becomes "That didn't go as planned, but I can learn from it." Or "I should be better than this" becomes "I'm still learning, and I don't have to get everything right."

At first, these alternatives may feel unfamiliar or even unconvincing. That's understandable. A thought you've repeated for decades isn't necessarily going to disappear because you've challenged it once.

But thoughts are not commands, and they aren't always facts. With practice, it's possible to develop a more balanced way of responding to yourself.

Can hypnotherapy help with self-criticism and negative beliefs?

Sometimes, understanding where a belief came from isn't enough to change the emotional response associated with it. Someone may know intellectually that they're capable, worthy of respect or deserving of kindness, yet still experience a strong feeling that they're somehow not good enough.

Hypnotherapy is an approach that can help people explore habitual thought patterns, emotional responses and beliefs in a relaxed, focused state.

Depending on the individual's needs, techniques may involve guided imagery, therapeutic suggestion and rehearsing more helpful responses to situations that previously triggered self-criticism.

The aim isn't to replace every negative thought with a positive one. It's to develop a more flexible and supportive relationship with ourselves.

What is one small thing I can do to be kinder to myself today?

Start with the next mistake you make. It doesn't need to be anything significant. Perhaps you forget something, take longer than expected to complete a task or say something you later wish you'd phrased differently.

Notice how you respond. Instead of immediately criticising yourself, imagine a good friend had done exactly the same thing. What would you say to them? Now try offering yourself those same words. You don't have to believe them completely at first. You're simply practising a different response.

And that's where change often begins. Not with a dramatic transformation or a promise never to think negatively again, but with small moments of awareness and a willingness to treat yourself with a little more understanding.

Because kindness isn't something we need to earn by being perfect, achieving more or keeping everyone else happy. And perhaps the next person who needs a little of your kindness is you.