When your mind says “I'm fine” but you don't feel fine

Sometimes anxiety doesn't arrive with an obvious explanation. There hasn't been a major argument. Nothing particularly bad has happened. Work is going reasonably well, your relationships are okay, and, on paper at least, life seems to be ticking along quite nicely.

And yet you don't feel calm.

You might find yourself worrying about things that haven't happened, replaying conversations, struggling to switch off, or simply carrying a vague sense that something isn't quite right.

This can be particularly confusing when you can't identify what you're anxious about.

You may even find yourself thinking: “I've got nothing to be anxious about. So why do I feel like this?”

Anxiety doesn't always come with an obvious explanation

We often expect anxiety to have a clear cause. If something frightening happens, it makes sense to feel anxious. If you're facing an important decision or a difficult period in your life, worry can feel understandable.

But emotions don't always follow such a straightforward pattern.

Sometimes what we experience in the present is influenced by what we have learned from previous experiences, the way we tend to interpret situations, or patterns that have gradually become familiar.

This doesn't mean there is a hidden catastrophe waiting to be discovered. It simply means that our emotional responses can be more complicated than the circumstances immediately in front of us.

The difference between knowing and feeling

One of the most frustrating aspects of anxiety can be the gap between what you know and what you feel.

You might know that you're safe.

You might know that your family are okay.

You might know that your job is secure.

You might even be able to list all the reasons why you have nothing to worry about.

And still, your thoughts continue to race. Trying to reason yourself out of anxiety can sometimes become another source of frustration. You can end up thinking: “I know there's no reason to feel like this, so why can't I just stop?”

The problem isn't necessarily that you're being irrational. Emotional responses aren't always something we can simply switch off because we've decided they don't make sense.

When being capable becomes a habit

There is another experience I see quite often in people who describe themselves as anxious despite apparently coping well. They have become very good at getting on with things.

Perhaps you've spent years being the dependable one. The person who sorts things out. The person other people turn to when there is a problem.

You may have become accustomed to putting your own worries aside because there was always something else that needed doing.

Being capable and resilient can be valuable qualities. But constantly being in “I'll deal with it” mode can make it surprisingly difficult to recognise what you are feeling until everything becomes quiet enough for you to notice.

Sometimes anxiety becomes more noticeable when life finally slows down.

Why can anxiety appear when things improve?

It can feel particularly strange to experience anxiety during a relatively settled period. After all, shouldn't you feel better?

For some people, a busy period leaves little opportunity to stop and think. There are appointments to attend, responsibilities to manage and problems to solve.

When things eventually become calmer, there may be more space to notice thoughts and feelings that were previously pushed into the background.

That doesn't necessarily mean the calm period has caused the anxiety. It may simply mean that you're noticing yourself differently because you finally have room to do so.

This can be an opportunity to become curious rather than critical. Instead of asking: “Why am I like this?” you might begin asking: What is my anxiety trying to tell me?”

Looking for patterns rather than one single cause

Understanding anxiety doesn't always mean finding one event that caused it. Sometimes it can be more useful to look at patterns. You may ask:

• When does your anxiety tend to appear?
• What happens immediately before you notice it?
• What do you tend to think about when you're trying to relax?
• Do you automatically expect something to go wrong?
• Do you find it difficult to trust that things are okay?
• Do you feel responsible for other people's happiness?
• Do you put pressure on yourself to cope perfectly?

These questions aren't about blaming yourself. They are ways of becoming more aware of the relationship between your thoughts, emotions and behaviour.

And increased awareness can give you more choices.

What if you stopped fighting the feeling?

When anxiety appears without an obvious reason, our first instinct can be to get rid of it.

We distract ourselves. Reassure ourselves. Search for explanations. Try to think positively. Tell ourselves that we're being silly. Sometimes these strategies help. But constantly fighting an uncomfortable feeling can also keep our attention focused on it.

A different approach is to become curious about the experience.

• What am I noticing?
• Where do I feel it?
• What was happening just before it appeared?
• What do I need right now?

You don't have to like the feeling in order to listen to it.

Where hypnotherapy may fit

Hypnotherapy can offer a space to slow down and explore some of the patterns that may sit behind the way you respond to situations.

During a session, you may explore the thoughts, beliefs, expectations and experiences that are relevant to what you would like to change.

Hypnosis itself is a naturally occurring state of focused attention. In a therapeutic setting, it can be used to help you become deeply relaxed while remaining aware of the work taking place.

For some people, this can provide a different way of approaching thoughts and patterns that they have been trying to understand through conscious reasoning alone.

The process is individual. There isn't one explanation for anxiety, and there isn't one approach that will suit everybody.

That is why the starting point should be understanding you, rather than trying to fit your experience into a predetermined explanation.

You don't have to justify feeling anxious

Perhaps the most important thing is this:

You don't need to prove that your anxiety is serious enough to deserve attention.

You don't need to have experienced a major crisis.

You don't need to be struggling with every area of your life.

And you don't need to wait until things become overwhelming before talking to someone.

Anxiety is a real experience, even when you can't immediately explain it. Rather than judging yourself because your mind and body don't seem to have received the same message, it may be more helpful to approach yourself with curiosity.

“I know I'm okay. I don't understand why I feel anxious, but perhaps I can start by understanding the feeling rather than fighting it.”

Sometimes that small shift in perspective can be the beginning of something much more useful than simply telling yourself to calm down.

If anxiety has become a recurring part of your life, speaking with a suitably qualified professional can give you an opportunity to explore what you're experiencing and consider what support might be appropriate for you.