When being the strong one becomes exhausting

“I just want to feel like me again." It’s something I hear surprisingly often in my work as a hypnotherapist.

Sometimes people can’t explain exactly what feels wrong. Their life may look perfectly fine from the outside. They’re working, looking after their family, supporting friends, getting things done and appearing to cope. They may even be the person everyone else turns to when something goes wrong. Inside, however, things can feel very different.

They may overthink more, feel anxious or overwhelmed, struggle with confidence, or simply feel exhausted by the constant pressure of thinking, doing, and worrying. Somewhere amongst all of those responsibilities, they may feel as though they have lost touch with the person they used to be.

The question people often ask themselves is, “What’s wrong with me?” Sometimes, though, a more useful question might be: “What have I been carrying for so long that I’ve forgotten what I feel like without it?”

The invisible rucksack

Imagine you’re carrying an invisible rucksack, and every worry, responsibility, expectation, difficult experience and piece of emotional baggage is represented by a brick.

One brick probably wouldn’t bother you very much, but over time more bricks are added. There may be pressure from work, money worries, family responsibilities, relationship difficulties or concerns about what other people think. You might also be carrying experiences from the past, expectations you place on yourself and all those things you believe you 'should' be able to cope with.

Because the weight is often added gradually, you may not notice how much you are carrying. Instead, you adapt to it. You become accustomed to feeling stressed or overthinking situations. You automatically put other people first. You may stop doing some of the things you once enjoyed because there never seems to be enough time or energy left for you.

Eventually, it can begin to feel as though this is simply who you are now. But perhaps you have been carrying the rucksack for so long that you have forgotten what it feels like to put some of it down.

When coping becomes your normal

Human beings can be remarkably adaptable. This ability helps us through difficult periods and enables us to keep functioning when life becomes challenging. Sometimes, however, the patterns we develop to help us cope can continue long after they are useful.

You may have learned to keep everybody happy because avoiding conflict felt easier. Perhaps you became the person who always says yes, even when you really want to say no. Worrying may have become a way of trying to anticipate everything that could possibly go wrong, or you may have become so accustomed to being “the strong one” that asking somebody else for help feels uncomfortable.

When these responses have been repeated for a long time, they can begin to feel automatic. This is one reason why simply telling yourself to “stop worrying”, “be more confident” or “think positively” may not create the change you want.

If changing an established pattern were simply a matter of knowing what you should do, most of us would have changed our unwanted habits a long time ago.

Awareness comes before change

One of the principles I regularly share with clients is that you can’t change what you don’t notice. Many of our everyday responses happen automatically. We may react before considering whether the reaction is useful, say yes before checking whether we actually want to agree, or believe a thought simply because it has appeared in our mind.

Becoming more aware of these patterns can therefore be an important first step. You might begin by noticing which situations make you feel particularly anxious or overwhelmed, what you say to yourself when your confidence disappears, or what you automatically agree to despite not wanting to.

You could also consider what you are tolerating that leaves you exhausted and whose expectations you may be trying to live up to. When did you last ask yourself what you actually want? There is no need to judge the answers. The purpose is simply to become curious about patterns that may previously have happened without conscious thought.

The power of the pause

We often assume that change requires us to do more, but sometimes it begins by stopping for a moment. I regularly encourage clients to create a deliberate pause before automatically reacting, answering, agreeing, worrying or assuming the worst.

It doesn't need to be complicated. Taking a breath and giving yourself a few seconds to ask, “Is this how I actually want to respond?” can create valuable space between what happens and what you do next.

You may still decide to say yes, but you may decide to say no. You might recognise that the thought racing through your head is a possibility rather than a fact, or decide that a particular problem does not need solving at two o'clock in the morning.

The pause doesn't dictate what you should do. It simply creates an opportunity to choose rather than automatically repeating a familiar response.

Thoughts aren't always facts

Overthinking can make our thoughts feel extremely convincing. We may find ourselves thinking, “What if I mess this up?” “They probably think I’m stupid”, “I should have done more”, or “Something is going to go wrong”. But the fact that your mind produces a thought does not automatically make that thought true.

I often encourage people to think of thoughts as suggestions rather than instructions. You can notice a thought without automatically accepting or acting upon it. You can question it, consider whether there is evidence for it and ask whether it is helpful.

This isn't about pretending everything is wonderful or forcing yourself to think positively. It is about developing greater awareness of the relationship between your thoughts, feelings and responses.

How might hypnotherapy help?

This is one of the areas where hypnotherapy may be useful. Hypnotherapy isn't about somebody taking control of your mind or magically removing every difficult thought. It's about helping people feel more in control of their responses rather than less.

Hypnosis involves a state of focused attention and relaxation in which people may find it easier to explore thoughts, beliefs, habits and automatic responses. A hypnotherapist can work with you to identify patterns that may be contributing to how you are feeling and help you explore alternative ways of responding.

For somebody who has spent years automatically putting everyone else first, for example, the work might include exploring beliefs around saying no, disappointing others or prioritising their own needs. For someone who habitually overthinks, it may involve recognising the thoughts and triggers that start that familiar cycle and developing different responses to them.

Hypnotherapy may also be used alongside techniques for relaxation, confidence and managing stress or anxiety. The approach will vary according to the individual, which is why an initial conversation with a qualified hypnotherapist can be useful in deciding whether hypnotherapy is appropriate for what you are experiencing.

It is not about erasing your personality or turning you into somebody completely different. Often, the aim is to help you become more aware of the automatic patterns influencing your behaviour so that you can make more conscious choices about what happens next.

You may not need to find the old you

People sometimes tell me they want the “old me” back. They remember being more confident, carefree, motivated or happy and understandably want to return to that version of themselves. I sometimes invite them to consider a slightly different possibility.

You have lived more life since then. You have learned things, experienced things and changed. Perhaps the goal isn't to go backwards and become exactly who you used to be, but to decide who you want to be now.

You might begin by asking yourself which parts of yourself you have neglected, what matters to you now, what you are ready to stop carrying and what you might do differently if you trusted yourself a little more.

Start with one brick

You don't need to have all the answers immediately. If your imaginary rucksack feels full, deciding that you must immediately empty the entire thing can simply create another source of pressure. Instead, choose one brick.

That might mean introducing one small boundary, having one conversation you have been avoiding, changing one habit or noticing one situation where you usually say yes when you mean no. It might simply mean pausing before an automatic reaction and giving yourself the opportunity to choose what happens next.

Small changes can provide evidence that things do not have to remain exactly as they are, and that evidence can gradually help you develop greater confidence and trust in yourself.

Finding your way back to yourself

If you haven't felt like yourself for a while, it can be tempting to believe that person has somehow disappeared. Perhaps they haven't. They may simply have become harder to hear beneath years of responsibilities, expectations, habits, experiences and other people's needs.

Hypnotherapy can be one way of exploring the thoughts, beliefs and automatic patterns that may be contributing to how you feel. It won't make life's responsibilities disappear, but it may help you change your relationship with some of the thoughts and behaviours that have become habitual.

Finding your way back to yourself doesn't necessarily require becoming a completely different person. Sometimes it begins with becoming aware of what you're carrying, considering what you no longer need to carry and recognising where you have choices.

You don't have to change everything today. You can start with one thing, because sometimes one small change is enough to begin moving in a different direction.