Loving the self is more than a mindset

Did you know that buses really do come in threes? Based on the science that the first bus picks up all the passengers and the other two catch up, they say you should get on the second bus. The first takes longer because of the unloading, and the third is more likely to bypass your stop or terminate early. I am yet to work out why the problems described in my therapy room also come along in threes.

It wouldn’t be inconceivable to think that external factors generate the same effect in many people, but when it is something as common as nail biting, it is a little more unusual. Very often I complete the circle, you see, I too this week have focused on caring for my nails after biting them down last week. Not something I do as a habit, but a cycle I find myself in every now and then.

I use transpersonal psychology techniques in my work. Transpersonal psychologists view therapy as a two-way process; the therapist grows and develops alongside the client. So I often wonder if the universe brings me clients who seek the same kinds of growth that I am.

With nail biting as the theme of this piece, I want to write about physical self-care. When considering self-care, I focus on what you can bring into your life to enhance your mental wellness. It's also important to remember that sometimes, physical self-care is a way of tending to yourself that replaces or reduces self-harming behaviours.

The love and care you show when you spend fifteen minutes each morning tenderly moisturising your hands, including a hand massage, filing your nails so they are smooth and carrying nail clippers on your keys to carefully remove any flaky bits is a direct contrast to the destructive nature of nail biting. When you shower yourself with attention through hand and nail care, it is paradoxical to follow it with harm.

You can apply the same theory to your whole self. Yoga and touch benefit mental health; for example, massaging the parts of your own body you can easily reach brings comfort and love. Yoga helps you physically realign and ground yourself. If possible, have some sessions with a bodywork therapist to nurture your body– the more you love it, the less you harm it.

Diet, sleep, and exercise are also important aspects of physical self-care. When you prioritise your sleep, you nourish your mental well-being. The recommendation is a sleep opportunity of 7–9 hours each night. When you give your body this, you must fight less for mental wellness. Sleep is difficult with a mind that wanders from the past to the future. The best place to remain is in the moment. Mindfulness practices can train your mind to stay in the present.

When you want to sleep, visualise yourself at the top of a staircase with 10 steps. Imagine yourself walking down the stairs, counting down from ten to one as you do so. Every time you notice that your thoughts have drifted off, bring your mind back to the top step and begin the process again. I recently suggested this to a client who reported back after two weeks to tell me that it was working brilliantly, but she still had not reached the bottom step.

Techniques like this are a form of physical training. If you’re someone who is familiar with exercise, you know how quickly you lose fitness when you stop. It is the same with mind training. You need to practice the exercises regularly. Just like working out in the gym, the more you do it, the easier and more natural it feels.

Talking of exercise, this is another form of self-care. When you exercise your body, you release feel-good endorphins. Your body evolved to move, and it feels better when you do. Maybe not initially, but in time. Exercise need not be an exercise in endurance, find something you enjoy, whether that is standing still lifting weights, sprinting up hills, gently walking through the forest with friends or the love many feel in a yoga class. When you combine this with nutrition-focused eating, you place yourself in a great position of self-care. The purpose of exercise is to nurture your soul, bring the rush of feel-good hormones and elevate your mental well-being.

So, alongside all the different things you do to feel happy, remember to take care of and nurture your physical self, too. After all, loving yourself is more than a mindset.