Losing a beloved pet

One of the most joyful and profound experiences in life is the love we are able to share with a beloved pet – and one of the most heartbreaking experiences we face is having to say goodbye.

Our animals are not just pets, they will have been friends, members of the family,  protectors, keepers of secrets, they will have loved and trusted unconditionally, and they will have been that extra heartbeat snuggled into us when they have realised we are feeling low. Losing your pet can feel unbearable, and as though your world has suddenly stopped spinning.

Until relatively recently, it was generally accepted that losing your pet was a sad event, but that you would just go and get another to “get over” the sadness. Nowadays, it is widely recognised that losing your pet is a bereavement, with various stages of grief to be acknowledged, faced and worked through.

Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified specific stages of grief:

• denial and shock
• anger and frustration
• bargaining and reflection
• depression or sadness
• acceptance and integration

I’m going to add guilt. I’ve added guilt because almost every bereaved pet owner I’ve worked with has experienced guilt, and not because they should be feeling guilty. It’s actually the opposite.

Let me explain: you’ve been a good pet parent and have loved and cared for your pet. Because you’ve cared for your pet and taken responsibility for their happiness and welfare, you’re feeling that you could have done more. This really isn’t the case, so please be kind to yourself and recognise that you gave your pet a good, happy life. Processing the stages of grief is different for everybody, with some stages repeated, and some bypassed. The depression stage is often the longest stage to process.

When we have a bereavement, the limbic system part of our brain (the emotional, fight or flight part that thinks in terms of worst case scenario and only in the current moment) jumps in and takes over, while our pre-frontal cortex (the more rational part of our brain that thinks more narratively) takes a back seat. This is because the limbic system, which is the dominant part of the brain, sees the loss as a potential danger and is trying to protect you, particularly during the first 48 hours of losing your pet. Even when the loss of a pet is sadly inevitable, there is still usually an element of shock.

If you are reading this article because you’ve lost your pet, then you may already have moved past the first 48 hours, but I’m going to include my tips for coping, as they may be helpful if you know somebody who has just lost their pet.

Tips for the first 48 hours

Be kind to yourself

You’ve had a bereavement, so take things gently. As I’ve explained, your limbic system is sending out extreme emotional thoughts and knee-jerk reactions.

Move belongings out of immediate focus

I’m going to suggest moving your pet’s belongings – basket, toys, photos – to a spot out of your direct line of vision. They’re all still with you, just not quite the immediate focus of your attention. You can always go to this spot if you need to. An exception might be a favourite soft toy, which can feel comforting.

Give yourself time before making decisions

Don’t dispose of anything for at least a couple of days. Similarly, don’t make any important decisions for at least a couple of days. Your prefrontal cortex activity is reduced, which will, in turn, reduce your cognitive functioning.

Prioritise restful sleep

Alcohol in the evening is not advisable; it may help with falling asleep, but it is likely to wake you during the night and disturb your restorative deep sleep stage.

Seek comfort where you can

Something sensory, such as a soft throw, can feel soothing and comforting.

Maintain your usual routines

If you are on medication, continue taking it as prescribed, at the regular times.

Accept support from others

Reach out to friends and family; most people can sympathise with the loss of a pet.

Let’s recap those bereavement stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, shock and guilt. While the initial shock may have subsided, you may still be processing your grief. We may be angry or looking to blame ourselves. The fact is that our pets can be very good at hiding when they are unwell. Quite often, we simply don’t know there is a serious problem; we may feel that we should have done more. Try to acknowledge any feelings of guilt as a bereavement reaction.

Moving forwards

There are some lovely ways to remember your pet: a piece of jewellery, a bracelet charm, a plant for your garden, framing your favourite photo, commissioning a painting, or even creating your own painting.

Journaling can be helpful, from venting and unscrambling your emotions through to writing down anything that has been positive. It is your private space to write exactly how you are feeling, and writing down your thoughts and emotions can help to make them feel a bit clearer. When you later look back, you can see how your journaling has progressed from initial raw emotions.

One of the things I have noticed as a pet bereavement counsellor is that people generally don’t approach me because they have lost their pet; they approach me because they have a possible underlying condition, such as anxiety, depression or PTSD, and losing their pet on top of this has been unbearable for them, and the catalyst to seek help. According to NHS England, in 2023, 16% of Adults in England had a Common Mental Health Condition (CMHC). If you think you have a CMHC, please seek a medical diagnosis.  

How solution-focused hypnotherapy can help

The bereavement process can seem tough, but it is a way for you to process your emotions while accepting the adjustment in your life. While I would not suggest hypnotherapy as a bypass for bereavement, it can be useful for helping with associated issues following the bereavement process.

It may:

• help to reduce underlying anxiety and other conditions by calming the emotional limbic system and strengthening the narrative pre-frontal cortex
• address negative self-talk and feelings of guilt, and promote self-compassion
• address sleep issues
• help to reduce low mood and negative emotions, and foster a more positive mindset
• address addictive behaviours that may have developed as a coping technique
• promote self-acceptance and help you move forward

Losing your much-loved pet can feel devastating, but please know that you can move forward. While the experience is unique for all of us, we generally find that, although the loss never goes away, the intensity eases, with gradually greater lengths of time between moments of sadness.

I often use the analogy of a journey to describe the grief process; at some time, we all make a metaphorical journey from Cornwall to Scotland. Some of us catch the train, some of us catch a bus, and some of us drive. We might take the scenic route, we might make a more direct journey, we might take a shortcut, or we might get lost and retrace our steps, but while the journey is unique for all of us, we all reach the destination.

References

Adult Common Mental Health Problems, available at: https://www.stpsupport.nice.org.uk

The Kubler-Ross Change Curve, available at: https://www.ekrfoundation.org/kubler-rosschangecurve

Leno, M, (2025), The Role of Journaling in Grief and Recovery, available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com