Letting go and becoming: Utilising Lao Tzu’s wisdom in therapy

Lao Tzu’s words, “When I let go of who I think I am, I become who I may be,” offer a powerful, profound idea, one I firmly stand by. We can grow and change when we stop clinging to old ideas about ourselves. In therapy, this means helping you let go of labels or beliefs that hold you back so you can discover new possibilities for who you can become.

Take, for instance, if someone comes to me for help with a fear of rejection, whether in relationships, job interviews, or friendships. Over time, they might internalise the belief, “I am unlovable,” believing that rejection defines their worth. Similarly, a person repeatedly failing to meet their own expectations might conclude, “I am a failure,” overlooking their resilience or the effort they’ve put in. These limiting beliefs become self-fulfilling, shaping how we see the world and our place in it. Therapy challenges these ideas to open the door for change.

Why do we get stuck?

We often form rigid self-perceptions rooted in past experiences, societal expectations, or the judgments of self and others. These identities feel familiar and comforting, but they can also act as chains.

An example of this is a client who feared rejection in their relationship with their partner. Over time, they internalised the belief, “I am unlovable,” assuming that rejection defined their worth. Similarly, another client repeatedly failed to meet their own expectations and believed they were a failure, overlooking their resilience or the effort they'd put in. These limiting beliefs become self-fulfilling, shaping how we see the world and our place in it.

How letting go can change lives

Letting go doesn’t mean erasing the past or ignoring its lessons; it’s about not letting past experiences dictate or define our identity. Therapy offers a safe space to unpick these beliefs, recognising their roots and challenging their truth by first questioning them and then utilising therapies to override them.

Consider someone who believes, “I can never speak up – I’m too shy.” Therapy helps them to see that while they’ve felt shy in certain settings, they’ve also shown confidence in others, such as comforting a friend or standing up for a loved one. By shifting their internal narrative, they begin to act in ways that align with their true potential rather than their fears.

Techniques that empower change

As a therapist, I utilise a range of techniques to help clients let go of limiting beliefs and embrace new possibilities. Below are some of these methods and how you can apply them for yourself:

1. Mindfulness

Mindfulness teaches you to notice your thoughts with gentle curiosity, allowing them to come and go as naturally as leaves floating down a stream. In therapy, you learn to recognise negative self-talk – such as, “I’ll never succeed” and detach from it.

For instance, you might practise mindful breathing if or when anxiety flares up, noticing the thought, “I can’t handle this,” without clinging to it or judging it. Over time, this practice reduces the power of such beliefs, creating room for self-compassion.

2. Reframing: Turning the narrative around

Reframing involves challenging negative thoughts and replacing them with more balanced perspectives. As a therapist, I help those who feel “broken” after a traumatic experience to see themselves as someone who is “healing” or “surviving.”

For example, if you are a person struggling with career setbacks, you could reframe the thought, “I always mess up interviews,” to “I’ve faced challenges, but each one has taught me something valuable.” This subtle shift opens the door to hope, perseverance and a new perspective.

3. Redefining your life story

We often tell ourselves stories about who we are, but these stories can be rewritten. We continue to grow and change as we age. During therapy, I encourage clients to explore their personal histories and reframe them to empower rather than limit them.

Take a past client of mine who grew up in an extremely critical household and believed they just weren't good enough. With therapy, they uncovered moments where they showed strength and kindness despite those challenges, creating a new narrative of resilience instead of inadequacy.

4. Future vision: Imagining who you could be

Future-focused therapy helps you envision the person you want to become and identify actionable steps to get there. Instead of dwelling on past failures, the focus shifts to future possibilities.

For example, if you're feeling stuck in a job you dislike, you might describe your ideal career, breaking it down into achievable steps – like researching courses, engaging with your core beliefs or updating your CV. By focusing on what you can become, you feel energised to take action.

Why letting go matters

Letting go of rigid beliefs and labels is transformative. It allows you to:

• Release emotional burdens: Free yourself from guilt, shame, or regret tied to past experiences.
• Adapt to change: Embrace new opportunities with a sense of curiosity rather than fear.
• Discover new potential: See yourself not as a fixed entity but as a work in progress, capable of growth and reinvention.

The role of future-focused therapy

Future-focused therapy is especially impactful for those feeling trapped by their past. Unlike traditional approaches that heavily dissect past traumas, this method encourages you to envision your desired future and take proactive steps toward it.

As a therapist, I start by utilising techniques such as:

• Goal-setting: Helping clients define clear, realistic goals that align with their values.
• Visualisation/hypnotherapy: Guiding clients to mentally “try on” their future self, imagining how it feels to achieve their aspirations.
• Action planning: Breaking down long-term goals into manageable tasks, empowering clients to make steady progress.

This brings to mind a client who was recovering from a difficult divorce, who wholeheartedly believed they were a failure at relationships. Future-focused therapy encouraged them to imagine a fulfilling future, involving meaningful friendships, personal hobbies, and even a new relationship. By focusing on these possibilities, you too can begin to move forward with hope and determination.

Embracing the journey

Letting go of who you think you are is not an overnight transformation – it’s a lifelong journey. As life evolves, so do our challenges and identities. Therapy provides the tools to continually release outdated beliefs and embrace the next version of ourselves.

Lao Tzu’s wisdom reminds us that the future is unwritten. By letting go of limiting ideas, we unlock the power to write a story full of growth, resilience, and possibility. My question to you is: What chapter will you write next?