How to cope with depression during infertility

If I ask you to close your eyes and think of all the blue things around, what comes to mind? Let yourself linger there for a minute, then open your eyes.

Now look around you and notice all the blue things. Hopefully, you now see a heap more blue things than you did in your mind's eye before actively looking for them.

The same thing happens with infertility. Pregnancy is not on your radar until you want to get pregnant. Suddenly, everywhere you look, there is a pregnant person, a baby shop, a newborn in a sling, and this makes dealing with infertility even harder. 

Why infertility can feel so difficult

Coping with infertility is a challenge that many people face daily. Typically, women ovulate approximately every 28 days, so 13 opportunities to conceive each year. A year feels like a long time when you feel the strong desire for a baby. 13 opportunities do not seem enough, considering the factors of modern life.

Infertility and depression

Recently, someone said to me, “Infertility has broken me”. Infertility is emotionally and physically exhausting. It isn’t just the appointments, the waiting, the cycles of hope and disappointment – it’s the way it can slowly begin to take up more space in your mind than you ever intended. What starts as a part of your life can, over time, begin to feel like the whole of it. And when something so personal begins to define you, it’s not surprising that depression can start to edge its way in.

For many people, life was once manageable, even predictable. With direction and effort that always led to an outcome. So, when it comes to fertility – something so deeply desired, yet so outside of direct control – it can feel disorienting.

When a hoped-for timeline passes, when the date you held in your mind quietly slips by, you need to adjust your expectations, hold uncertainty and continue to hope while also protecting yourself from disappointment. This takes a significant amount of energy. It’s this invisible effort that becomes heavy enough to pull you down into depression.

Infertility, depression and life

When depression and infertility begin to take up more space, it is difficult to enjoy anything in the way you once did. Things that used to feel easy or comforting can feel distant, or muted, as if they’re happening somewhere just out of reach.

You might also start to hear more clinical language around what you’re experiencing. Infertility is usually defined as not conceiving after 12 months of regular unprotected sex. But that definition doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong with your body. It’s simply the point at which you may receive further support if that’s something you want to explore.

Sometimes the language can feel quite stark compared to the reality of what you’re living through. Because what sits underneath it isn’t just a timeframe or a diagnosis – it’s months of hope, uncertainty, and adjustment.

When all you want is to conceive, you might notice yourself experiencing symptoms of depression, for example, no longer finding joy in the things that once felt easy, or feeling as though life has narrowed around this one outcome.

You might feel constantly tired, too. Tracking cycles, timing sex, ovulation tests, reading forums, searching for answers, hoping this will be the thing that makes a difference, while often finding yourself going over the same information again and again.

Taking supplements and then more supplements, exercising or not exercising, depending on what your latest research told you, and stopping the slightly damaging but fun habits like late nights and a glass of wine with friends. Changing your diet to something preferable, but difficult to maintain. Trying to de-stress but only feeling more stressed with the situation. 

The most powerful thing you can do for yourself is relinquish control. Modern life teaches us that we can take control of everything, but pulls us further and further away from the real control we have when our mind and body are fully connected – guided by your internal wisdom rather than your prefrontal cortex. 

Self-hypnosis and meditation 

When you connect with yourself through self-hypnosis or meditation regularly, you can find an inner knowing that helps you understand your own body. For example, you may become more aware of your body’s natural rhythms and the subtle signs that can accompany ovulation. Naturally, we feel more drawn to sex when ovulating. In fact, Masie Hill, in her book, Period Power, states that many women only desire sex when they ovulate, and rarely at other times. Giving yourself time to understand your own bodily feelings will give you the opportunity to follow those feelings.

As humans, we’re part of nature. Our bodies evolved with reproduction as one of the core functions, and for many people, there’s an expectation that this should happen naturally, without intervention.

Modern life offers us many things that promise to support that process. Advice, supplements, technologies, and new approaches. And while some of these are helpful, they are also confusing – especially when it starts to feel like something that should be simple has become complicated.

For some people, there is a physical reason why conception isn’t happening. And, like everything in nature, not everything follows the expected path. In those situations, modern medicine can offer other routes, such as assisted reproduction, surrogacy, or adoption – if they feel right for you. But having options doesn’t take away the emotional impact of your experience.

This is where support matters. Having a space where you don’t have to hold it all together. Somewhere you can speak honestly, or not speak at all. Where you can make sense of what you’re feeling, at your own pace, and begin to find a way forward that feels aligned with you.

Assisted reproduction is taxing on the mind and body. You may feel more settled, like something is finally happening, but there are times you feel overwhelmed and affected by the situation. Not to mention the physical effects of the medication and procedures.

How can hypnotherapy help with depression over infertility?

Therapy offers a space to feel a little more settled, and perhaps a little more in control of what’s happening internally. For some people, approaches like hypnotherapy can also support the body, easing physical tension or discomfort that has built up over time.

If infertility is impacting your mental health, it can be helpful to start gently. Living a little more mindfully at home can be one place to begin. An online course might offer a way in, at your own pace.

For many, there’s also something valuable in having one-to-one support. Working with a therapist who understands both infertility and depression can give you a space to process what you’re going through, to make sense of the emotions that come up, and to explore what feels right for you – without pressure or expectation.