Give yourself permission to have fun

Last week as we approached a roundabout my daughter exclaimed, “Ew, I don’t like that car. Why is it so boxy?” I observed the new number plate. A car we hadn’t seen before but we saw again that day. And the day after. And of course, the day after that! This is how life seems to roll. Once you see something you cannot unsee it, and you notice it more than you notice any other. 

This pattern extends beyond objects - it happens in conversations too. After an epiphany in one conversation, I find myself in the same conversation with another person. Then another as I realise the ah-ha moment fits into many contexts, it’s like finding the missing piece of a jigsaw.

Permission to have fun

Recently, a client and I spoke about the negative feelings she experiences. Like a gaping hole in her stomach. Anxiety, insecurity, and negative self-belief all rolled into one. Able to perform when she needs but then the feeling of overwhelm takes over and she cannot continue. Wendy was telling me about an amazing dance lesson she had with some friends, sadly the fun of the experience dissipated when she received feedback from one of her friends. 

Wendy was told she was immature in the class - when she was simply having fun. As Wendy told me more about the lesson, I learnt that accompanying Wendy to the lesson were three friends who knew each other and an individual friend that Wendy typically socialised with one-on-one. She rarely mixed the friendships. The relationships are different. With the group, Wendy is playful, high-spirited, and ebullient. When she sees the individual friend, they discuss the negativity of their childhoods and the sadness they feel a lot of the time. They share their experiences of struggling to have fun, to enjoy life, and serious philosophical conversations that focus on their past and the negatives of their lives today.

As I asked Wendy more questions, she explained the Wendy who emerges when she is with the group of friends is the Wendy she wants to be all the time. The negative feelings dissipate when she is with this group. I asked Wendy why she does not spend all her time with the friends that she has fun with.

Wendy expressed concern. She believes it is necessary to spend time talking about the parts of her life that cause frustration. The problem is that Wendy cannot change these things and cannot control them and even more prominently, does not have them when she is with a different type of person! The conversations are repetitive and focus on the negative. When Wendy is with other friends the conversation is positive, she feels vibrant, full of life and has fun. 'Spend more time with the playful friends,' I wanted to shout at Wendy!

Not long after, I entered a similar conversation with another client, Anna. Anna does not have many friends and spends most of her time at home feeling down. There is one friend Anna describes as her best friend. When she spends time with her best friend, she feels high. She feels happy, the negative thoughts leave her mind, and she feels as though they don’t even exist. The world is bright and wonderful. Anna says when she is with her best friend, she can be her authentic self. When I suggest Anna spend more time with this friend, she looks at me and asks, “Isn’t that suppressing the depression?”

Understanding and processing our experiences

I listened to Wendy and Anna speak about their allegiance to the negative experiences within their lives. They are loyal to their negative feelings. As a therapist, I help people understand themselves and improve their life. We sometimes do this by focusing on previous experiences to understand and process. Beyond this, continually talking about it or focusing on it achieves little. An equal part of hypnotherapy sessions with me is surpassing the ego and finding your soul. Helping life flow and feel less of a struggle. Finding a freedom and happiness that you catch glimpses of but hold yourself back from. 

It feels to me that both Wendy and Anna have moments of happiness, but they do not let themselves settle there. If you resonate with this, it may be time for you to give yourself permission to have fun. Imagine how you will feel when you consider your therapy work complete. Consider whether you experience any moments of this in life already.

Wendy and Anna know these times well. It’s simple, when all they need to do to feel the desired way more often, is to have those moments more often. Within therapy, we can use these glimpses of positivity as a prototype. As you become familiar with that version of you, we can explore ways to bring the same positivity into more parts of your life.

When you choose the experiences that bring out your best self, that version of you becomes your default - and negativity naturally fades into the background.