Are you a stop-start smoker? Why quitting feels hard

Despite encouragement from our family or warnings from the doctor, some of us still haven't managed to quit smoking for good. We stop and start again. The ex-smokers who stopped in a blink of an eye might have found the magic button, but we feel we could end up as 'forever smokers.'

Whatever you do, don't criticise yourself for relapsing. It won't make any difference. That's because there is one thing you should know before giving up smoking: it can sometimes feel as though the unconscious mind is driving us to keep smoking.

The smoking habit is strongly influenced by automatic processes in the brain, often referred to as the unconscious mind. These processes operate below our conscious awareness and play a role in our emotions, impulses and learned habits, which can make smoking feel automatic and difficult to change.

In evolutionary terms, parts of the brain involved in conscious thought are more recently developed. These areas are associated with higher thinking and cognitive processes, including those linked to the neocortex.

Information can be transmitted between these two domains by a kind of bridge known as the corpus callosum. Some parts of the brain are involved in regulating our impulses and emotions, and may attempt to override habits such as smoking, but this isn’t always successful, especially when those habits are strongly ingrained or linked to feelings of comfort or survival.

When we are learning to drive, for example, we are concentrating hard in order to acquire the skills and follow instructions, but with repeated practice, we can eventually drive without consciously thinking about it. The learned skill has become an automatic habit and has moved, without our being aware of it, into the unconscious part of our mind.

Smoking doesn't come from rational thinking

The unconscious doesn't judge that there could be better ways to survive than to smoke. It just wants us to keep going. The unconscious and conscious sides of the mind begin to generate friction over the smoking dilemma. We get caught in the crossfire between the two sides of our mind: we want to smoke, and we want to quit. It's a miserable rut, and the unconscious brain, connected to survival, will often win in the end.

The unconscious side of the mind will let us quit and stay quit when it is sure we can survive without a cigarette. That can take some doing, but with understanding and the right approach, it can and does happen more readily than you might expect.

Why can smoking feel linked to survival?

Everyone is different, but generally speaking, many of us start smoking in adolescence, when we are growing up, evolving into an adult self. This is a natural stage which prepares us for the self-sufficiency of adulthood, and it may come with a dollop of rebellion. We might push back against our families as we try to go our own way.

Going our own way has a drawback: it can make us vulnerable and so arouses the deeply buried protective, survival instincts. We are no longer young children entwined in the safety of our families, nor are we fully independent adults, able to stand on our own feet. 

For safety and protection, we are sometimes drawn unconsciously to make new relationships through a substitute family, often a 'cool' peer group, who we sense will love us and look out for us. If the badge of acceptance by the new tribe is a cigarette, it is likely we will want to become smokers ourselves.

Psychologist Professor Tanya Byron has this to say about the lasting impact of love and adolescent relationships on the emotional brain:

"Adolescence is a time when social bonds carry enormous neurological weight. Neurologically, the adolescent brain is particularly sensitive to social acceptance and rejection. The limbic system (the brain's emotional engine) is highly active while the prefrontal cortex (which regulates impulses and perspective-taking) is still developing. Therefore, teenage relationships are felt intensely, vividly remembered and not always processed calmly...disproportionate years later...the emotional imprint can remain."

It seems ironic that smoking might have once represented love, social belonging and acceptance. The social reality for many smokers in later years is that they might feel unwelcome if they light up; however, the emotional imprint that teenage smoking leaves on the mind is not easily eradicated. Smoking can linger on in the unconscious mind as a survival habit long after those rebellious teenage years are lost in the mists of time. 

What has love got to do with survival?

Humans are primed to form bonds and to connect with each other. Togetherness with friends, family and community is the glue which makes everything work. Having strong, close relationships that bring us comfort, self-belief and love can help us stop smoking. The self-belief we derive from their presence, for example, can be an enormous boost to our resolve to quit for many.

On the other hand, feeling cut off and isolated might foster addiction to cigarettes. Deep down, if we are unhappy and insecure, it might be as if smoking is urged upon us. If we try to quit, our emotional brain responds as if a much-loved companion has been stolen from us. We need that 'friend' to survive, and it will niggle until we give in.

When we decide to quit, making extra time for those we love and who love and respect us can help. Involving ourselves in doing enjoyable, rewarding activities, whatever that looks like, also greatly enables us to reach our goal.

Case study: Adele's experience of giving up smoking

Adele*'s high-pressure job in banking was the least of her worries. Since her mother had died, she had been looking after her brother, Kevin*, with whom she was very close. He was a gentle, affectionate man who had been born with multiple health needs.

She was struggling to find the best residential care for Kevin, but that was fraught with complications. The first cigarette in the morning got her up and running, and an occasional smoking break during the day helped her stay on top of the conflicting pulls on her attention.

Adele's search was eventually rewarded, and Kevin moved to a comfortable care home within visiting distance. It was an ideal setting which could meet his specific needs and where he felt happy. Though relieved in a way, she missed her brother and was tempted to smoke at key times when they would have been together. 

Adele sought hypnotherapy to quit smoking. She'd always relied on smoking in various ways, and was now smoking more than ever. Deep down, it surfaced that she was feeling heartless and guilty, blaming herself for "sending Kevin away". This feeling struck at the core of her identity, making her feel as if she had no right to exist, let alone enjoy freedom and a bright future.

By utilising the resources of the unconscious mind in hypnotherapy, her mind was able to accept a dual reality: Adele could both live without cigarettes and without her brother under her roof, and still have a life full of meaning, purpose and love. Once the new mindset was in place, she let go of smoking and never looked back.

*Names have been changed to protect anonymity. 

Considering hypnotherapy?

Professional hypnotherapists dedicate themselves to creating a tailor-made plan for you as a unique individual to reach your goal in your own way, using the resources of the unconscious mind.

Hypnotherapy can help you remove the obstacles to quitting that have stood in the way, helping you quit without a sense of loss or something being missing or wrong, ready to embrace a life of freedom and enjoy the numerous benefits of being a non-smoker. As always, do your research to find the right person for you.