How to help a friend with social anxiety and depression

Anxiety and depression are separate mental health disorders, but research shows a strong relationship between social anxiety disorder and depressive disorders.

The diagnostic criterion for social anxiety covers 10 points. These include:

• A noticed fear or anxiety about social situations (one or more) in which you feel exposed to scrutiny by others.

The following points describe the fear:

• The social situation, which you avoid or endure, must always give rise to fear, specifically a fear of judgement.
• Your persistent fear is out of proportion to the threat, causes significant distress and cannot be the effect of something else, such as another illness or substance abuse. 

Depression is not a disorder, rather a group of disorders known as depressive disorders with a common feature of sad, empty or irritable moods, accompanied by somatic and cognitive changes that significantly affect your ability to function.

When someone withdraws from social contact, it is important to distinguish between social anxiety and depression.

• Social anxiety is a withdrawal because of fear of judgement.
• Depressive withdrawal is typically driven by low motivation, reduced interest, and emotional numbness.

How to help someone with social anxiety and depression

As social creatures, a lack of socialisation quickly leads to depressed feelings. When you avoid social situations, it is harder to make and maintain friendships. The longer the nervous system stays in a heightened (or low energy) state, the harder it is to return to connection and safety.

If you want to help your friend who feels depressed, offer to visit them at home rather than expecting them to join you outside with other people. Supporting someone with social anxiety to become more comfortable in social settings should begin with gradual, low-pressure exposure. To progress, suggest a walk somewhere quiet with few people. Gradually increase the level of stimulation and let them set the pace.

It is important to maintain contact. This can take a lot of energy. Remember to care for yourself, too. Have some therapy yourself to offload. When you have professional support, you’re less likely to lean on friends for emotional relief – breaking the cycle and making it easier to enjoy time together.

How to help someone with social anxiety disorder

1. Listen and hear

A good first step to help someone with social anxiety is to listen rather than fix. As much as you may wish to, fixing social anxiety is not always possible. It is OK to speak the truth rather than enable, for example, by reflecting their feelings, “I hear you feel really worried right now and I understand why” and then speak rationally, “It is your anxiety, it isn’t real”.

Encourage your friend to describe and write down their feelings whilst letting them know that showing emotion is normal. Do not feel afraid of tears. From childhood, we hear the words “don’t cry”. Therefore, as adults, we often feel guilty and apologise for doing so. If you notice your friend tries to stop themselves from showing emotion or apologises for crying, let them know it is OK to cry and hold the space for it. 

2. Bring them into the moment

Anxious thoughts revolve around the ‘what ifs’, generally focusing on the future or past.

Grounding can help. Use the environment – point out a tree, the feel of the air, the sound of a bird. If you can incorporate all the senses into a game, it helps align the mind and body with the present moment.

When the body reacts to stress, the rational brain switches off. Grounding tools help restore access to the thinking brain. Play simple memory games, use breathing techniques, or even ask silly questions to interrupt the spiral.

Imagine the brain like a garden, the positive thoughts are the flowers you want to flourish, and the negative thoughts are the plants that grow wildly (some people call them weeds). To make space for the wanted flowers, you need to remove the weeds. Neuroplasticity makes the brain a little like this. The pathways of the brain grow in response to how we use them. If you have repetitive negative thoughts, they take over – like the weeds – they become stronger, and easier to access. The positive thoughts are hard to see and find. Neuroplasticity means your brain strengthens the pathways you use most. The unwanted pathways grow because they’re given more attention. If you keep revisiting a thought, it becomes easier to access.

To help the flowers thrive, you don’t need to fight the unwanted plants. You just stop feeding them. Every time you pause, distract, or redirect your focus, you starve the old patterns. And over time, your mental garden begins to shift. You create more space for what you want to grow.

The games you play with your friend (specifically games that take a lot of thought, such as memory games) don’t need to be serious; they work as a distraction, so the anxious thoughts stop swirling.

3. Show love through laughter

It’s difficult to continually be fun if you do not always feel that way yourself. However, by maintaining boundaries, ensuring that you have support yourself, and relaxing with other friends, you will hopefully have the energy to brighten your friend’s day with laughter.

Laughter is a powerful nervous system tool. True belly laughter releases endorphins and softens tension in the body. If your friend can’t laugh, try playing a funny video or watching a feel-good film together. You don’t need to force happiness – just help them feel something other than dread.

It is not easy to help someone who has mental health problems, ensure they receive support from a professional and remember to be kind to yourself. 

Bonus tools that help the body feel safe

These are tools I use myself and often share with clients. They’re simple and powerful because they speak the language of the body. Over time, these tools help the nervous system feel safe again. They are gentle practices that, repeated over time, help your system remember what calm feels like.

Progressive relaxation

“I slowly take myself through each part of my body from the head down. It works well for me to ‘switch off’ each part of my body.”

This practice invites the body to let go of the tension it’s holding. Starting at the top of your head and working down, gently bringing attention to each part of your body – eyes, jaw, shoulders, chest – and imagining each one turning off like a switch. Stay there for as long as you wish. When you feel something distract you, bring your attention back to your body.

Breath and anchoring

“When you notice your heart racing, you will take three slow breaths and feel a wave of calm wash over you.”

Use the breath as a cue to return to the present. Inhale slowly through your nose, then exhale gently. As you do this, place your hand on your chest or somewhere else comfortable to you. Over time, this small gesture becomes a signal to your nervous system: you’re safe, you can settle.

Visualising emotions

“Use your imagination to visualise that emotion into a shape or an object. Think about its colour, texture, weight, size.”

Instead of trying to stop a feeling, give it shape. Where do you feel it in your body? What does it look like? Once it has a form, you can move it, shrink it, or let it float away. It helps separate the emotion from who you are and puts you in control.

Helping someone with social anxiety or depression is a journey that calls for patience, understanding, and kindness – both towards your friend and yourself. Small, compassionate steps like listening, bringing attention to the present moment, and sharing moments of laughter can create meaningful shifts over time.

Remember, while your support is invaluable, professional help is important. Together, with care and the right tools, recovery and connection are possible. If you’re supporting someone right now, know that your presence matters and that healing, no matter how slow, is always worth the effort.