The Best Way to Leave an Abusive Relationship

November 10th, 2011 by Lifestyle Therapy - Susan Leigh

Abuse can cover a wide range of situations, from physical violence, sexual assault, emotional manipulation, bullying and verbal undermining. Abusive relationships often result in one person being perceived as dominant whilst the other tries everything to placate and keep their partner happy. Over time confidence and self-worth are gradually eroded. It can take a lot of courage and planning to eventually find the determination to take the decision to leave. Many people decide to leave several times before they actually manage to go.

Let's look at the best way to support the decision to leave an abusive relationship:

- Keep a secret log or diary of the abusive behaviour. It's important to have evidence of dates, times and details of what happened for several reasons. Firstly, once peace and domestic harmony returns the full extent of the abuse is often minimised. You may need to remind yourself in graphic detail of the reasons why you need to leave. It is often the case that people either amnesify the full extent of the abuse or blame themselves for provoking the situation. Keeping a log is also a way to provide examples to others. Embarrassment is often a feature of abuse, with people feeling too ashamed to reveal what is happening in their relationship. A diary record provides a factual account.

- Shame and embarrassment are often a factor of abuse - on both sides. People become adept at keeping domestic abuse private, behind closed doors. Afterwards your partner will usually be contrite, full of remorse, perhaps bearing gifts with promises of 'never again'. Forgetting the full extent of how bad it was is often a symptom of why people stay in an abusive relationship. Keeping an account at the time of what happened ensures that the regularity and extent of the abuse is fully documented.

- Work on becoming stronger. Counselling and hypnotherapy are a positive step to take in order to deal with issues of confidence and low self-esteem, often damaged throughout the duration of the relationship. Many people in abusive relationships have personal history that needs addressing and healing, patterns of abuse perhaps from childhood. Some people struggle with the concept of a 'normal' relationship. Having a regular, steady, respectful relationship can seem boring and uninteresting. Counselling and hypnotherapy can help heal old patterns and enable a more positive perspective of life to emerge.

- Start to formulate an escape plan. Maybe set a date in mind. Decide on ways to become more independent. What needs to happen to support your decision to leave? Some people stay in abusive relationships because they have no income, others feel that they have nowhere to go, some fear the humiliation of leaving, or stay because of children. Decide what needs to happen and start taking some steps to action the plan.

- Work on becoming more independent. As well as counselling and hypnotherapy maybe investigate finding a job. Even part-time work can help improve your confidence, get you back into the work environment and mixing with other people. Try to save some money. A financial buffer will help you feel more independent and positive. Investigate housing refuges or somewhere you could move to when you leave the relationship.

- Tell your closest friend of your decision to leave. Encouragement, support and understanding are important at this time. Reassurance that things will be okay, that things will work out for the best can help to keep you strong at this vulnerable time. Also having a friend who will come with you when you leave, help you move out, be supportive and ensure your safety is important. A good friend can provide practical, emotional and physical support.

Deciding to leave an abusive relationship can be a long process. Often abusive relationships evolve over a period of time; after all, if someone was rude or offensive on a first date it's unlikely that we would agree to meet them again. Gradually an abuser gains power and control by systematically eroding confidence and becoming more autocratic. Finding the best way to leave that situation takes courage, determination and support.