The Best Way to Be Assertive

May 28th, 2011 by Lifestyle Therapy - Susan Leigh

Some people mistake assertiveness for aggression but that can be a matter of interpretation. Being assertive in an appropriate way lets other people know about your boundaries, that you have standards as to how you will be treated.

Let's look at the best way to be assertive.

- Communicate what you want. In a desire to please others or to be seen as agreeable we can get into the habit of going along with what other people say or do. This may be fine on occasion, in fact it can be the easy option to have plans and arrangements made for us. But when it becomes a pattern it can become tedious for everyone involved. Other people can become tired of always having to organise everything and they cannot be expected to know our views unless we verbalize them.

- Be reasonable. Being assertive is important but it also matters that not every situation is regarded as a contest or debate. Being reasonable means appreciating the situation as a whole, understanding the other persons point of view. Perhaps discuss your take on the situation with family or friends and see whether they share your opinion. A third-party can sometimes offer interesting insights. Compromise is often an important part of being assertive.

- Stay calm. If we feel challenged or undermined it can be difficult to keep our temper under check. But staying calm is about keeping control. Find out all the facts and then use that better understanding to help resolve matters in the most effective way.

- Pick your moment. There is a time and a place to have a serious conversation. Picking the best time can make a huge difference to the outcome of a discussion. It can be a good idea to say in advance that you want to have a talk and make an arrangement so that the other person appreciates that this matters to you.

- Reflect back to them how you feel. Sometimes saying 'I will not be bullied' can bring the other person up short. They may not have realised how they come across. It can be an important wake up call for them about their manner and behaviour.

- Offer alternatives. Being reasonable often means negotiation. If you don't want to do what the other person suggests it is helpful to be able to offer another option. Then you can be seen as constructive rather negative or destructive in approach.

- Keep a sense of perspective. Not everything needs to be a contest or a battle of wills. Humour can play an important part in defusing tense situations and reinstating a better balance at these times. It can bring a sense of reality into what is going on and enable people to appreciate how trivial and unimportant some disagreements really are.

Being assertive means regarding yourself as having a right to be considered. Sometimes you may be okay at going along with things, but at other times having the confidence to speak and be heard is an important part of doing what's right for you. It includes functioning effectively and having quality relationships with others.