How Do I Make It Up to the Children After Our Divorce ?

October 30th, 2011 by Lifestyle Therapy - Susan Leigh

These days many marriages end in divorce, often badly after several years of increasing distress and arguments. Children are often the unfortunate witnesses to much of the breakup. They hear more than they should and quickly learn to become very sensitive to any changes of mood or atmosphere in the home.

After the divorce many parents feel guilty at the potential harm they did to their children during the difficult periods in the marriage. They reflect with regret on the things that their children saw, heard or the details that they were told during moments of extreme provocation.

Let's look at some ways to make it up to the children after the divorce:

- Commit to hypnotherapy. Deal with your issues, the anger and resentment, the hurt over how you've been treated. Accept responsibility for the part you played in the breakdown of the relationship. Hypnotherapy can help you to work on feeling better about yourself, more positive about what you've experienced. Start to look forward to the future, feeling calmer and clearer about what you want to achieve. Children will relax as they notice the improvement.

- Apologise. Be honest and say that you're sorry for the things you've said and done. Children appreciate an adult admitting their mistakes. They will value such an acknowledgement and it will help them to heal their own recollections of those times.

- Listen to what your children have to say. Really listen, without feeling the need to interrupt or make excuses. Children can feel that their experiences are disregarded, as if hurt is only felt by the adults in a divorce. Listening helps a child feel validated. Their perception of what happened is real to them, even if you disagree or have a different viewpoint.

- Make allowances, especially at first. Children often feel unsettled after a divorce, especially if they have had to move or were especially close to one parent whom they now see only erratically. Their behaviour may be difficult initially. Encourage them to keep contact with their other parent, allow them to have private phone calls, with no interrogations afterwards. Think of projects that unite the family like decorating their bedrooms. Consider involving grandparents. They are often good at providing a calm, stable presence.

- Be respectful when they talk about their other parent and any potential new partners who may appear from time to time. It may be tempting to be sarcastic or make bitter rejoinders, but no one benefits from that behaviour. You end up distressing the children and making them feel that they can't talk freely about their other parent.

- Be polite to your ex. Remember you loved each other once. A lot may have happened since then, but you've got beautiful children to show for the time spent together. Both your lives have since moved on, so respect that and the fact that your joint children deserve to have the easiest time possible whilst adjusting to the new arrangements.

- Demonstrate how well you're doing. Many newly divorced parents say that it's their children who help them to keep going, especially at first. Show the children that you're okay. They have adjustments of their own to make. It's unfair for them to go to school, worried and anxious about how their parent is coping.

Show children that life is getting better. Start by making the place feel like home, cook a new dish, look after yourself, organise joint activities like games or family TV. Introduce things that they can enjoy and see as evidence that life is settling down. These are all things that can help your children feel better about life after divorce.