The two wolves: what are you feeding?

In my work as a stress and anxiety coach and hypnotherapist, I often use the metaphor of wolves. Why wolves? Because they beautifully represent something we all experience every single day – the quiet, often invisible battle between fear and confidence.

It’s a battle that doesn’t happen out there in the world – it happens within us. And whether we realise it or not, we are influencing the outcome of that battle every single day.

The stress and anxiety wolf

Most people I work with arrive feeding what I call the stress and anxiety wolf. They don’t describe it as a wolf, of course. They describe it as anxiety, panic, overthinking, and fear. But when they begin to talk, you can almost feel their presence in the room. This wolf is strong, loud and demanding. It interrupts their thoughts, questions their decisions, and keeps them on edge.

But here’s the truth: it wasn’t always that way. No one is born with an overpowering anxiety wolf. It becomes strong over time, because it’s been fed repeatedly. Fed with thoughts that seem small in the moment but powerful over time:

• “What if something goes wrong?”
• “What if I panic?”
• “What if I can’t cope?”

Fed with imagined scenarios that haven’t happened, yet feel real enough to trigger a physical response. Fed with avoidance; staying in, holding back, playing safe, not because someone wants to live that way, but because the fear feels convincing.

I hear it in the fears people carry:

• fear of going out at night
• fear of driving, especially on motorways or unfamiliar roads
• fear of going on holiday and being too far from safety
• fear of leaving the house altogether
• fear of having a panic attack in public
• fear of losing control

And every time those fears are revisited, rehearsed, or replayed, the wolf is fed. Not intentionally. Never intentionally. But the brain is always listening and always learning, so, the more attention this wolf receives, the more powerful it appears. Not because it is naturally stronger, but because it has been given centre stage.

The forgotten confident wolf

Now here’s the part many people don’t realise, or at least, haven’t considered in a long time. There is another wolf: the confident wolf. This one is very different. It is calm, steady, grounded. It doesn’t rush to conclusions or assume the worst. It doesn’t need to shout to be heard. It simply knows, quietly, that things can be handled.

It represents capability, resilience and trust. And yet, when I introduce this idea, many people look at me as though I’m describing someone else entirely. Because for them, this wolf feels unfamiliar, not because it doesn’t exist, but because it hasn’t been fed. For many people, this confident part of themselves has been ignored, overlooked, or never consciously acknowledged at all.

So, when I gently ask the question: “What would you like instead?” There is often a pause. Sometimes a long one. Not because they don’t want something different; of course, they do, but because they’ve spent so long focusing on what they don’t want, they’ve never fully explored the alternative.

They don’t know what confidence looks like for them, what calm feels like in their body, or what supportive internal dialogue sounds like. And that’s not a failure. It’s simply a reflection of where their focus has been.

The “shopping list” problem

I often describe this as the “shopping list” problem. Many clients come to me with a very clear, very detailed list, but it’s a list of everything they don’t want:

• “I don’t want anxiety anymore.”
• “I don’t want panic attacks.”
• “I don’t want to feel like this.”

And I completely understand that. When something feels overwhelming, of course, you want it gone. But then I ask a different question: “When you go shopping, do you walk around your house making a list of everything you don’t want to buy?” And the answer is always the same. Of course not. You make a list of what you do want, what you need and what you intend to bring into your life.

Yet when it comes to the mind, so many people are unintentionally doing the opposite. They are focusing all of their attention on what they want to remove, rather than what they want to create, and this is where understanding the brain becomes so important, because the brain doesn’t filter things in the way we might expect. It responds to focus. It takes direction from repetition. So, whatever you consistently think about, question, and imagine, the brain works to reinforce.

The brain follows your focus

If your attention is constantly drawn to fear, worry, and anxiety, even in an effort to avoid them, your brain interprets that as important, and it responds accordingly. It becomes more alert to potential threats, more sensitive to physical sensations and more likely to anticipate danger.

This isn't because something is wrong with you, but because your brain is doing its job. It is trying to protect you based on the information it has been given. So, if the stress and anxiety wolf has been fed with focus, repetition, and emotional intensity, it makes sense that it feels dominant. But this also means something incredibly empowering – it means the process can be reversed.

Shifting the focus

This is where the work begins to change. Instead of asking, “What don’t you want?”, we begin asking, “What would you like instead?” And at first, that question can feel unfamiliar, but as we explore it, something starts to open up.

We begin to look outward for reference points. Who do you know that seems confident? Not perfect, not fearless, just confident enough to handle situations. What do they do differently? How do they carry themselves? How do they respond under pressure? And perhaps most importantly: What might they be saying to themselves internally?

Because confidence isn’t something reserved for a select few. It isn’t something you either have or don’t. It is something that can be learned, modelled, and strengthened over time. Just like feeding a different wolf.

The power of internal talk

One of the most powerful influences on how we feel, think, and behave is something we all have and often overlook: our internal voice. The ongoing conversation in your mind shapes your experience of the world far more than most people realise.

If that voice is constantly critical, doubtful, or fearful, it feeds the stress and anxiety wolf. It reinforces the idea that something is wrong, something is unsafe, something needs to be avoided.

But if that voice begins to shift even slightly, something else becomes possible: encouragement instead of criticism, curiosity instead of fear, support instead of self-doubt. And that doesn’t mean pretending everything is perfect; it means changing the tone of the conversation, because that voice is not just commentary, it is an instruction.

So, which wolf are you feeding?

This is the question that sits at the heart of everything, because every thought you repeat, every scenario you imagine, and every sentence you say to yourself internally, all contribute.

You don’t need to fight the anxious wolf. You don’t need to get rid of it. In fact, trying to push it away often gives it more energy. Instead, the real shift comes from where you place your focus. From what you choose to notice, what you choose to practise and what you begin to reinforce. 

And slowly, steadily, the balance begins to change. The anxious wolf becomes quieter, not gone, but no longer dominant. And the confident wolf? It begins to grow. Stronger, calmer and more present. Not as something new, but as something that was always there, waiting for your attention.

A simple shift to start today

Change doesn’t have to begin with something big. In fact, it often starts with something very small. The next time you notice anxiety beginning to rise, or the next time your mind starts running through “what if” scenarios, pause. Just for a moment. And ask yourself a different question: “What would I like instead?”

You don’t need a perfect answer. You don’t need to feel it fully yet. Just asking the question begins to shift your focus. And in that moment, you have started feeding a different wolf. And that is where real, lasting change begins.