The part of you that won't let go

Have you ever tried changing a habit that has been clinging onto you for a long time, yet every time you attempt to change it, you find yourself back at the start, suffering once again with feelings of shame and self-judgement, which become fuel for the story that keeps you stuck?

Being stuck in the habit loop feels like you are playing a perpetual game of Snakes and Ladders; you climb the ladder of success only to slide back down the snake of shame, wondering how you can escape this infinite loop of failure.

First, loosen the grip of shame

Firstly, what if I told you that we are all made up of multiple inner parts, unique personalities inside all of us that drive us towards positive outcomes and others that keep us stuck in negative patterns.

Secondly, what if I then told you that the parts of you that are keeping you stuck in negative patterns have your best interests at heart and, at some point, may have even helped you through a challenging time.

This second realisation I find always helps clients in first releasing any shame they have in relation to a habit they are trying to change or give up. It is that shame that fuels the story that keeps you stuck. Shame makes you feel unworthy, less than and gives that underlying feeling that you are a flawed and broken individual, unworthy of love.

If you can recognise that even the ‘negative’ habit you are trying to change existed to help you, then you can release some of the weight you are carrying around that holds it in place. Loosening the grip of shame gives things the chance to breathe, to move and to change.

From protector to preventor

This shift also takes away the ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ perspective; it then just becomes an internal mechanism that worked once or twice and that you then became overly reliant on as a solution to a problem, but that you have now outgrown.

It is because this solution seemingly solved a problem, even just in the short term, it may have just numbed, distracted or helped you avoid it, but it moved you from pain to pleasure, and for your internal sense of peace, that was a win. It had a function; the parts' aim was always there to try and protect you from the pain, it just chose a dysfunctional way of doing it.

So now you have an underlying programmed way of providing comfort, reward, or relief from something that felt unmanageable, but that, in the long term, starts to impact your physical and mental health.

This protective part now becomes the preventative part, a living, breathing part of yourself that has been fed for years, a part that has the innate drive for survival built into it, and so now the only way to ensure its survival is to prevent you from getting rid of it.

A client’s experience with vaping and asthma

I was working recently with a client around vaping cessation and going through some reflective questions relating to his vaping habits. I always do this pre-hypnosis to bring information to the surface, and it felt that his superficial reasons for wanting to give up were not quite adding up with what looked like a deep desire to stop.

It took 20-minutes of conversation and discussion for him to admit that he had asthma and that his biggest reason for wanting to give up was to avoid any severe long-term health risks.

His preventative part knew that by admitting the potential health implications of vaping on his asthma, he could no longer look away from it, and this shadow part was now standing fully in the light of his self-awareness.

When alcohol becomes a reward

Another client had used alcohol as a reward on the weekends, after a long, hard week at work, especially if it had been stressful. He felt like he deserved that reward and would binge drink for the next 48 hours after having little interest in drinking during the week. This is a common story I have seen emerge around alcohol, work, and the weekend.

This client’s rewards mechanism was rooted in his years in the military, where alcohol had been used to soothe and decompress. Having a drink with comrades after going through life-threatening experiences had given him short-term relief and distraction from nervous system overload that no doubt comes through combat situations.

This client’s preventive part had developed the story of reward as a way of maintaining its presence in the client’s life and helping him to cope with stressful situations.

Understanding the exercise and sugar loop

My third client example presented with a sugar addiction and exercise obsession loop. Where he would cycle and exercise each day during the week obsessively, and as the weekend hit, he would start to "reward" or "allow" himself to enjoy chocolate and sugary foods, which would then last for 48 hours until the new week began, and then his guilt for the consumption of sugary foods would feed his need to exercise, and the loop would continue.

This was a fascinating example of how the preventive part (sugar addiction) and the intending part (exercise obsession) fed each other, playing their roles. One believed that it was rewarding the client, whilst the other felt it was supporting the client with a healthier habit. Working in opposite directions, together, they created a continuous loop.

How parts hypnotherapy helps break the cycle

No one ever changes their beliefs, habits or behaviours if someone tells them they are bad and wrong for being who they are. We must first let go of shame.

Secondly, so that the preventative part and intending part don’t end up in a never-ending loop, we must communicate with them and hear what they have to say, because the moment we are all given space to be seen and heard, we allow our energy to shift.

So, during the hypnotherapy session, we contact both parts separately at first, calling them by their names, which the client may divulge whilst under trance, understanding its original intention, its needs and how it sees the problem.

Once both parts have had the chance to share their perspective and are recognised, the tension that that part has held is released. In the words of Carl Jung, we have now “made the unconscious conscious”. We’ve brought the part out of the unconscious shadow where it does all the damage, via shame and avoidance and into the light to be seen, releasing its grip on the client, through self-awareness.

We then enter into a collaborative agreement between the parts, proposing a way in which they can both work together for the good of the client. Once an agreement is reached, which may take some back-and-forth negotiating, we can then enter the final step in the process.

Returning to wholeness

By recognising the unique and independent nature of both parts we release the unconscious tension that keeps them stuck in their respective loops, and then by collaborating and calling both parts to merge back with the client, we are making the client ‘whole’ again, so that all parts of the client are now operating with a more conscious intention, pulling in the same direction rather than in opposition.

The effect of this outcome for the client is a distinct feeling of lightness and alignment with their inner world; they no longer feel in conflict with themselves. Naming the parts gives the client a more tangible avatar to recognise and observe in the future, rather than an incoherent and confusing mass of feelings.

Through self-acceptance, parts hypnotherapy can bring the client a feeling of peace with their habits and behaviours. Rather than seeing these parts as dark, shameful figures who lurk in the shadows, thriving on resistance and avoidance. They can now be seen clearly in the light of awareness, as curious and fascinating characters, fully embraced and integrated.