Having the same fight again with your partner? How RTT can help

Are you feeling like you're at the end of your rope in a relationship, torn between the desire to leave and the fear of what that might mean? It can be agonising to grapple with the question: “Should I stay or should I go?” This internal struggle can leave you feeling stuck, lost, and unsure of your next steps.

You may find yourself obsessing over whether to stay and work through your issues or leave to seek something better. This dilemma can be accompanied by a harsh internal dialogue filled with self-blame and questioning, leading to thoughts like, "I must have picked badly," or "I'm stuck with a toxic person."

Take a breath before acting

Through my clinical experience, I always advise clients to pause and reflect, especially if there is no physical danger involved. Acting impulsively — especially when your emotions are high — can lead to regrets and confusion later. 

Sometimes, it's not the partner who is toxic, but the dynamic between the two people. Understanding this distinction is the key to breaking free from the cycle. The real work lies in understanding yourself, your needs, and how you’re projecting your feelings onto your partner or situation.

Creating the version of our partner we don’t like: Understanding projective identification

In many cases, we unknowingly contribute to the very behaviour we dislike in our partner. This phenomenon, known as projective identification, plays a significant role in the circular arguments that plague relationships.

When I first learned about projective identification, it made me angry and upset. I didn't want to believe that I had any responsibility in creating the version of my partner that I found frustrating. However, after doing the necessary inner work, I realised that it was true.

As a young immigrant, I had internalised the belief that I didn't deserve to take up too much space. This belief influenced both my work and romantic relationships. In my relationships, I struggled to voice my needs, fearing that they were invalid or too much. Having boundaries and saying no made me feel wracked with guilt and it also made me very resentful of romantic partners who were able to easily ask for what they wanted. 

I was the one who was unable to acknowledge my own needs, but it was easier to project this onto my partner. Often the resentment would bubble in and I would get into arguments with my partner and label them selfish. Inevitably, my partner would react to my frustration, feeling guilty or defensive, which only reinforced my belief that they were not considering my feelings.

This is how projective identification works: I projected my insecurity, that I was unworthy of care onto my partner, causing them to act in ways that reinforced my beliefs about myself. In turn, they would react defensively, playing into the role of someone selfish or inconsiderate, becoming a self-fulfilling loop, with both of us reacting to the projection rather than the reality of our needs. 

How RTT can help you understand and heal

So, how do we break free from these toxic dynamics? This is where Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) can be incredibly effective. RTT helps you explore and understand the parts of yourself that you've split off, often due to shame or societal expectations. These are the parts of yourself that you may have deemed unacceptable, and instead of owning them, you've projected them onto your partner or others in your life.

We all have split-off parts of ourselves — areas where we feel it's wrong or shameful to have certain needs or desires. For instance, you may have been raised to believe that expressing your emotions is weak, so you push them down. Or you might feel guilty for wanting independence or space, so you ignore those needs and expect your partner to mind-read what you want. These unresolved, split-off parts of yourself get projected onto others, creating a dynamic where you're not fully present or clear in the relationship.

RTT helps you reconnect with these hidden aspects of yourself, allowing you to gain clarity and a deeper understanding of your needs. By integrating these split-off parts, you begin to break the cycle of projective identification. You're no longer unconsciously projecting your insecurities onto your partner, which reduces the chances of those circular arguments that leave you feeling stuck and unheard.

With RTT, you can start making decisions from a place of strength and self-awareness. Whether you choose to stay in the relationship or leave, you do so with a greater understanding of yourself and a clearer sense of what you need in a partner. This shift not only transforms your relationship but also empowers you to create healthier dynamics in future relationships.

Reconnecting with yourself is key

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whether you choose to stay in a relationship or leave it. What truly matters is reconnecting with yourself and embracing what feels right for you. By addressing the split-off parts of yourself and healing old wounds, you can approach your relationships from a place of clarity and self-acceptance.